Tag: Wenona Gardner

Enigma
by Wenona Gardner was written in November 2008 & is my 1st NaNoWriMo Novel Draft I ever wrote 13 years ago. I have been holding onto this story but my Spirit Guide has told me to release it to the world today as is for Halloween. This is a Supernatural Romance Story.

In Loving Memory to my Soul mate Steve Nemacheck who loved me unconditionally…& who I quietly loved. Steve was Blackfoot and a UWM Art Student in my class. I never told Steve I loved him because he was married & I wanted to respect his marriage. I lost Steve when he completed Suicide March 18 2000. I blamed myself because I never told Steve I loved him. I keep thinking if I only told Steve I loved him he might still be alive today. May 28 2000 I started the Artist’s Way Circle as a Living Memorial to Steve B Nemacheck. My character Sam in Enigma is inspired by my Steve. Blessed Be!

This story is dedicated to my Mohican Brother Golden Eagle who when I asked him the secret to writing he told me to write everyday. For the last 14 years I have written over 874,270 words via NaNoWriMo. Chi Miigwetch my Mohican Brother.

This book is also dedicated to my Riverside University High School Honors English teacher Mr Gabe Ceci who dared me to publish a Book. So here is your published book…Enigma by Wenona Gardner. Published October 26, 2021.

Most importantly this story is dedicated to Julia Cameron & through the Artist’s Way Circle I created inspired by her book “The Artist’s Way” helped me to grieve losing my Soul Mate in College at University of Wisconsin Milwaukee.

* Trigger Warning: Suicide

Here is the story correctly formatted in PDF form for easier reading.

https://azurebreeze.files.wordpress.com/2021/10/iamsharing27enigma27withyou_211026_014024.pdf

• Note…when I attempted to copy and paste my book it removed all the paragraph spacing and formatting. I am trying to fix this. In the meantime use the PDF posted above. Chi Miigwetch
• Pieces of the Puzzle. Kira said “I am caught up in a storm. The room around me with it’s cheery pinks, God’s eyes, Native American shields appeared to be calm. I however, was gripped in the throes of shock. My abalone shell sit ready with smoke billowing from the sage and cedar smudge stick. Going through the motions trying to find some sense of myself. I can’t feel what happened to me. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t understand what happened. It hurts and it hurts so bad I can’t begin to put to words that happened. The day Lily told me the truth about what happened to Sam. My dear Sam he overdosed with a bottle of pills committing suicide. I didn’t know he was so in trouble. I didn’t know he was in danger. I tried calling him, but there was no answer. I cried when the news hit me. This flooring pain that I couldn’t speak. How did this happen I didn’t know.
• “ The scent of smudge of sage and cedar filled the room and my hair. “Why can’t I cry? I should be crying. It doesn’t make any sense. Nothing makes sense. I tried so much to bring my life with peace. He was okay. He was okay. But he’s not. I thought he was safe and taken care of. I thought nothing could take him from me. I thought he was my friend who was like a big brother. He watched over me. He took care of me. He was always there to cheer and support me on. Why didn’t I see the signs? Why didn’t he turn to me? I thought he was safe. I really believed he was okay. But he’s not. I failed him. I failed to be there for him. I failed to be there in his time of need. I am a horrible person. Why couldn’t I see? What is wrong with me? How could I be such a failure? I thought he was so strong. I believed that he was stronger than I. If he could fall, what does that say about me? I don’t understand why? Why did this have to happen? This doesn’t make any sense? Nothing makes any sense? Why? I don’t know what happened to him? I can’t believe this happened to him. He was the strong one. He believed in me! Where was I? In the moment he fell, where was I? Why didn’t he call me? Talk to me? Talk to somebody? Why did he have to lose hope? What was so bad that he had made the decision to take his life? How can go forward without him? How can I? There’s just too much pain and to much tears,” said Kira.
• Kira picked up the braid of sweetgrass and her orange lighter. She flicked the flame on and just stared into the flame of the lighter for a very long time. She didn’t have any comfort. She place the tip of the braid of sweetgrass into the fire and watched it smolder and a trail of smoke light up. To her it smelled like toasted marshmallows. Tears streaming down her face. She watched the smoke rise up. What is wrong with me? Moments switch to complete frozen numbness to rivers pouring down her eyes. She hated grief. The way it takes over you and strangles your entire bearing. Tearing her into pieces. Ripping her soul to pieces. She hated grief hated the way it tore into her life. Raping her mind and heart. Feeling like she could do nothing to stop it. She didn’t want to feel it. She wanted to turn back the time and change what happened. If only…. If only things were different. How could she not see the signs? How could she be so blind? How could she trust that he was taken care of when clearly he was not. The last time she saw him he was smiling and laughing like he usually does. His mask to cover the pain apparently. It haunted her as she came back to her home after the funeral and she played the messages and she discovered an older message with Sam’s voice still on it. Smiling and laughing on the recording, lies all lies. She wanted to grab the answering machine to smash it! But that was the only recording of his voice she had left. She played the message over and over again as if it someone how could summon him back to life. It mocked her. He was gone. She was not able to hold it together. Another wave of tears came crashing over her. She fell to her knees as the smudge smoke washed over her trying to purify her soul. This was a cruel joke.
  What was he going through in the moment that he died? What was he thinking about that caused him to crash to the ground? She grabbed her head and she felt emotionally raw. She could not find any comfort. She felt terrible. It didn’t make sense. Kira wanted answers she couldn’t get them out. She couldn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together. Questions after questions came flooding into her heard. Her heart was screaming. She felt as if her very blood was pouring down in tears on her face. Raining down in this enormous wave of suffering pain. The bottled up pain that could not go away. The stone on her heart was lifted and out poured the ugly pain in her heart. She cried and she didn’t feel any relief. She felt exhausted from all the crying. She was overtired but sleep would not come for her. All she knew to do was to talk to the Great Mystery. Asking question after question. Please answer me, I beg of you. I need to understand. I need to know what to do I can’t live like this. I can’t .. This is too mcuh. Too much for me to carry. I can’t do this alone. I just can’t the pain is unbearable. I suffer inside and I don’t know how to heal these wounds. I never knew how to express negative emotions. I have such a hard time dealing with these volatile emotions. I don’t understand why I am not healing. It just seems to get worse and worse. I don’t know why? I don’t understand the pain that I have. Why did this have to happen this way? Where were you? Where were you when he needed you? Why didn’t you protect him? With all your power, why couldn’t you have stopped this horrible thing from happening? Why did it have to be this way? I don’t know why this is the way it has to be. I tried to be there for him. Wasn’t there another way? Couldn’t there have been another way? I don’t understand why it happened this way? Where did go? What happened to his soul? Where is he? I don’t know what I believe anymore. She gripped the sweet grass tighter in her clenched hand as if it was the lifeline holding onto her very soul.
  She began to breath deeply. The tears stopped for a moment. She heard a chant from her childhood playing inside her head. They used to sing this particular song during the healing ceremonies. When she was old enough her and her mother began to sing it together. The power of that song for her was the love of her and her mother singing side by side. She felt so safe then. Protected guarded. She was alone in her sanctuary room. Waiting for the next wave of unexpected emotions to overpower her. The calm before the storm. She felt crippling sorrow lurking beneath the electric jolt of shock that swam on the surface. More tears will fall oh yes. Why did Great Mystery put her on this journey. She had thought it was a beautiful synchronicity that brought her and Sam together in the first place. Of all the places to meet him she met him at the library going for the same art book she was going for at the exact same time. They struck up a conversation on their creative pursuits and it was beautiful how they talked and talked. They hit it off as friends right away. They both had similar pursuits in exploring creativity. She was fortunate to have had him in her life. He lifted her up when she doubted herself as an artist. But now he was ripped from her grasp as suddenly as he entered her life.
  She felt a presence in the room with her. “Sister, your heart is heavy you need deep healing.” She watched the smudge smoke from the sage and cedar rise and in an instant she saw two wisps take the form of two sea gulls flying in the sky. Emotional healing. She felt someone new was coming into her life and that would provide much healing for her. Love was coming for her was the message. But how could she experience love in the depths of such grieving? It rained black rain around her and she could hear thunder and see lighting in her mind’s eye. Images and voices flashing through her mind. This is how Kira mind, heart, and soul worked. She moved through the world with a video and a soundtrack turning on and off inside her. Others saw only the outer world around them, however inside her was a cascade of sounds and images revealing a very unique inner world. Sea gulls. What more will the wisdom of sea gulls teach her. Who is the other sea gull? Kira remembered that on her birthday when her grandmother gave her a silver and turquoise, and inlaid necklace with a sea gull, the sun, and the waves of water. The sea gull represented a very deep personal message for her. She loved watching sea gulls so free by the lake. Feeling the azurebreeze blowing off the waters. She loved just to stare into the water. The sound of the waves often comforted her. She almost could feel the breezes comforting inside the sanctuary room filled with heavenly scent of smudge.
  Kira reached down and held onto her beaded cross. “Jesus, I don’t know how to move forward in my life. I don’t understand what brought me here. Nothing seems to make any sense. You know my heart. I can not seem to find any peace in my soul. I grieve so deeply for Sam. I failed him. I should have been there for him. I should have been able to see the signs. I should have done more. Been more. What kind of friend was I? I failed him as a friend. I failed him as a sister. I am ashamed I did not recognize the signs. I am ashamed I didn’t see he was in trouble. I am ashamed I could not be there for him in the hour of his need. I can’t seem to forgive myself. I am a horrible person. I am terrible. If I told him I loved him maybe I could have saved his artistic soul. Maybe it would have bought him sometime. I never said anything. It hurt me. I terribly hurt me. How can I ever forgive myself? I don’t know how to let this go. I don’t know how to heal. My heart is so heavy so burdened. I feel so responsible for his suicide. I feel awful. How can I ever find peace? How can I ever heal from this. The road ahead looks so difficult. So dark and lonely. I don’t understand my vision. I don’t know how I can heal emotionally and I don’t know how someone can help me in that capacity. Who would want to love anyone like me? I feel selfish. I feel like I don’t deserve love. I lost Sam and it was all my fault. Why would anyone love someone like me? It felt terrible. I feel like I have this ugliness darkness in my heart. I feel like a monster. Hideous. Despicable. Why am I carrying so much darkness inside me. I don’t know what to do with all these negative feelings. I want to be the light but I can’t with all this pain. Why am I always in so much pain? I feel like grieving Sam is unlocking a lifetime’s worth of grief. With she finished with what she was doing and collapsed into bed.
  She was uncomfortable in bed tossing and turning. Then Kira could feel herself falling and falling through the sky. Her arms flailing about as she plummeted through the sky. An endless falling and diving into a bottomless pit falling into something of the unknown a bottomless pit. She raised her head up breathing hard, deeply heaving with her breath in and out. She sat up for awhile trying to figure out where she was and what was happening but nothing seemed to be making any sense. She didn’t know and she couldn’t explain these feelings that swept over her. She was afraid to lay back down and sink into the torture of her sleep. The pain and sorrowful emptiness that awaited her on the other side. Kira’s breath slowed down. It was still dark. Shall she risk laying down again, not knowing what else awaits her. She sat very still gripping the sheets under her hands. She inhaled deeply and slightly hung her head down. The heaviness sinking around her as she remembered the grief. To stay awake and be tortured by her thoughts or to sleep and be tortured by her dreams. There didn’t seem to be a safe place to go to for comfort. She turned her head to the left, then to the right. The loneliness of the night washing over her. It was a very difficult existance at that moment. No one understands how she feels. She didn’t even know what she was experiencing how could she explain it to anybody else. Pausing. Kira decided to try to get more sleep. She curled up into a fetal position and wrapped her arms around her second pillow for clinging for dear life. If she could just hold on and get through the night. Maybe she could deal with things. She didn’t know how she was going to carry on.
  Kira groggily raised her head and looked at the clock and saw that it said 4:44 pm. She realized she had slept the day away, and yet she felt utterly exhausted. She didn’t feel any better, she felt like she had been fighting all night long. She suffered through another night. She wondered how long this was going to keep happening? She felt like she was living a bad dream, pushed into a grieving process that she never wanted to fall into. She felt devoid of emotion that time was suspended and that she just couldn’t start up again. It’s been 4 days since the funeral but the passing of days doesn’t seem to matter anymore. She vaguely remembered the funeral. She remembered all the people together many she didn’t not know who they were. She did not want to talk to anybody did not shed a single tear. The feelings somehow were trapped in there. She knew that she was supposed to be sad that you were supposed to cry, but at that moment she felt numb. The casket was closed, she didn’t get the chance to see Sam’s face one last time. She could not bring herself to say goodbye to a coffin. It seemed cold and cruel. The way things played out.
  She was emotionally numb, she couldn’t feel. She couldn’t feel anything. She felt dazed. Like she was in some sort of surreal nightmare that she couldn’t wake up from. She sat at the couch and stared blankly ahead of her while mourners passed around her. She was isolated from them cut off. She was there but she wasn’t there. She was like a piece of furniture just existing as part of the room, but not connected to anything else. Not interacting. Not talking. “This isn’t happening.” she said. “This can’t be happening. Any minute he is going to wake up. He is going to come back to me. Any minute.“ But nothing happened. There was no going back and undoing time. There was no doovers. “This can’t be happening.” She said to herself over and over again. She felt terrible. She hurt and yet couldn’t fully feel that hurt. She was paralyzed. She shut down. She wasn’t able to sense who she was anymore. It didn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make any sense. How could Sam be gone? I just saw him the other day laughing and smiling. He was just hear there was no signs. Was there signs and I was too blind to see it? Kira played these things over and over in her head. Sam’s family invited a Native American flute player to play at Sam’s funeral. The flute that had once comforted her, now was laced with grief. It mocked her. There was no peace, just the absence of her friend and brother. It didn’t make any sense. She was aware when she blinked and breathed, but she felt no hunger. Did not desire to eat anything. People walked past her at the wake with plates of food while the Native American flute player trilled on. She had no desire to walk over to the buffet table. No inkling to pick up a plate, not to drink, not to even have a bit. She felt hollow.
  Why did they have to select a Native American flute player? Now everytime she hears a flute this memory will be forever eteched in her mind. Everything was senseless. Kira used to think that Sam and her meeting was arranged by God, but what was the point if he was going to be leaving this world a year later? What kind of sick cruel joke is this all about? “I don’t understand what the purpose of all that was? To have him in my life and then to have him ripped right out of it.” Her mind was overloaded. The clock meant nothing anymore and neither did the calendar. Everything that she felt was like in slow motion. Kira felt guiltly for experiencing denial at the funeral. She couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye. Because saying goodbye would have to admit that Sam was really gone. She couldn’t bring herself to the point that she could acknowledge Sam’s suicide. She thought he was the strong one. She kept repeating that over and over in her mind. She felt that the truth was too hard to face. Too hard to come to terms with. It was absolutely difficult to step forward in her life. She felt trapped in a standstill. She did not know what was God’s plan. She didn’t understand what to do. She felt caught. She didn’t know how to say goodbye. She thought maybe if she never said goodbye maybe she could somehow hang onto him a little longer. Saying goodbye is admitting Sam took his own life that he murdered himself. The kind and loving man like Sam would hurt himself so much in such an act of self destruction would be so hard to acknowledge. He was a gentle man how could he self destruct? How could he turn away from God like that, he loved God. Didn’t he? The topic of suicide was the worst fear for Kira. She wanted to run from it. She wanted to hide. She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to discuss it. She just wanted to sweep it under the rug. But that would mean burying Sam with it. She couldn’t bring herself to do that either. Imprisoned in a conundrum. Trapped between acknowledging what happened and saying goodbye. She wasn’t ready to do either. She was stuck in the inbetween.
  Kira sat at the edge of the bed gripping the sheets even tighter. She was not motivated to move forward. She didn’t feel that she could. Four days past and she felt dead inside. She didn’t think anything would ever make her happy again. She didn’t think that she could feel better. She didn’t think that life would make sense ever again. She just mulled over these thoughts slowly. Sitting on the edge of what seemed like an eternity. She decided to play a CD and go back to bed. Just easier to face herself instead of facing another day to a world where suicide exists. She sunk into to the bed listening to Sadness by Enigma. She let it’s music and chants wash over her. She listened very carefully to every note and beat. Listened for the voice. She could feel herself floating upon the surface of dispiritedness. She was finding herself angry at God. Angry at how God could stand by and just watch as someone would kill themselves. Where is God’s power? Why did God just watch? Why didn’t God do something to stop such a horrible act to occur? She heard of such things as man having free will, but it disturbed her to think that would include deliberate self destruction. What an odd condition free will. Why would that be even possible. What good is free will if it would allow someone to commit suicide? It was almost as if there was a flaw in the system. If God is so perfect and the plan so divine, then how could such a plan make it permissable and allow for suicide? She couldn’t believe that God would actually be okay with suicide. The whole topic of suicide just boggled her mind. The mere idea that someone would deliberately destroy the gift of life that God had given them. It made no sense. Why in the world would Sam destroy such a precious gift? And where did Sam go? Hell? Would he even be allowed to go in heaven under such circumstances? Does God allow those who commit suicide to enter into heaven? Does God have the ability to heal the soul of a person who committed suicide and allow them access to heaven? What is God thinking when he watches someone commit suicide? Does God cry when someone falls to their own hand? I don’t know how God could watch such thing happening. How the world is suffering so and in it a single person murdering themselves. Poor God. The dilemma that He faces every day, every soul that falls at their own hand. One by one all over the world. God knowing and seeing each and every one of them. Every tear, every cry. God I don’t know how you get through that. How do you survive watching your children self destructing before your eyes? “I know that I am falling to pieces inside over a single soul, but how is it that you carrying the burden of every soul that commits suicide? I shall never understand or know. My mind can not not grasp the magnitude of what you are going through every second of eternity. My heart longs to feel happy, but I am scared to live in world where such tragedies occur. You know what I mean? It’s scary down here. I try to deal with on a daily basis, but the reality just scares me. The truth of human existance. I just can’t accept that suicide happens. I can’t accept that it’s just so bad that here, that self annihiliation is deemed the only solution to resolve such pieces. You don’t understand what like living in this vulnerability and periless reality? Do you? I don’t know if you do? I am reaching for you, in terror of my mind. Why won’t you take me out of this place? This place of madness. Why keep me here? I don’t understand the purpose of me existing here. To what end? What are you trying to do with me? I don’t understand. I just don’t. It is so hard to make sense of anything these days. I thought of God being of love. But what is so loving of suicide? Surely, that is not an acceptable way out? Surely you can’t be condoning suicide. That makes no sense at all.
  Then Kira heard a knock on the door. She got up out the bed and went to answer the door. It was Krystal Masters her friend and neighbor and she brought a pan of her famous homemade macaroni and cheese. Kira hugs Krystal and sets the table for the both of them to eat dinner. Kira takes a bite and it tastes so good she is grateful for the love that Krystal gives her and nurtures her. She is happy to finally have someone at her house. To reclaim the sense of normacly that has been lacking in her life lately. Someone familiar. Krystal takes a look a Kira. “You look exhausted.” Kira knew it’s been awhile since she took care of herself. She felt exhausted even as she nourished herself with this comfort food. Krystal came to have dinner with Kira and take her to her appointment with an art therapist to help her with grief. Kira wasn’t even dressed. She pushed the tangled hair away for her face as she eagerly ate the warm food and drank the hot tea. Krystal and her had a soothing conversation. Kira was relieved to be with someone right now. It kinda helped her pull out of this crazy feeling of dreams and thoughts. It was hard for Kira. But she needed to get back to her routine. Her book signing for her romance book “Cool Breeze” was going on in Madison, WI and she looked forward to leaving Migaw, Wisconsin for awhile so she can resume her life as a professional writer. She felt things had hit her harder than it should and hopefully working with her art therapist would help her so that she could move on. She needed to get back to living. She has been grieving to hard or too long. She suffered terribly she doesn’t understand what happened. Her life felt terrible she tried to do the best that she could but life felt so painful she tried to get through it but it was so hard. She didn’t understand why her grief for Sam was so intense she told Krystal. She loved Sam, but it wasn’t like he was her husband or even boyfriend. We never had children together Kira told Krystal. It’s not like we even knew each other that long. We had only knew each other for about a year. So why did Kira feel like it was the end of the world? To Kira Sam was a creative person like she was they were both artists. She idenitified with Sam’s creative spirit though his way charcoal drawings and Kira’s way was words. She needed to let things go and she didn’t know how to make things better. She didn’t understand. Kira felt that Sam was like a brother. Kira was an only child whose parents died when Kira was in her early twenties. So for Kira, Sam felt like family and never questioned that he would be there. Krystal said “I know you see Sam as your family and that is why it’s so good that you are working with an art therapist to help you through it. I believe Chloe Zarkowski will be able to help you through this grief process and help restore your creative spirit from this loss of an older brother you never had. Trust God to walk you through the process. You can do this Kira. I have faith and hope in you. You can do this.” Kira was feeling much better more nourished she felt she could get stronger and stronger. Kira went into the other room while Krystal listened to music and helped clean up.
  Kira quick jumped in the shower and felt the pulsating hot water relax her tense muscles. Then she got out and got dressed in fresh clothes and brushed her tangled black wavy hair and out came looking better than she had looked in days. “Ready?” Krystal asked? “Yes.” said Krystal. They got into Krystal’s car and drove to the art therpist’s office. Inside the office space was interesting tribal designs on the walls and mandalas she felt comfortable here in this sacred space. The art therapist came out and said to Kira hi “How are you? My name is Chloe Zarkowski, but please call me Chloe.” Chloe extended her hand to Kira and Kira shook Chloe’s warm hand noticing her carnelian nail polish and inviting smile. Kira felt that she could trust Chloe she entered into the office with Krystal kindly waiting for her in the waiting room reading a magazine. Kira entered this beautiful space with pink roses in a beautiful vase. There was a glass sculpture on the coffee table and there was a beautiful woman draped in blue clothes that reclined along the couch in a dream fashion draped in many pink flowers. In the corner there was a water fountain that was a beautiful sound to hear the water talk. Chloe offered some tea and she drank orange tea and ate the dark chocolates offered to her.
  Chloe explained her philosophy that for her grief isn’t about forgetting the pain, but was to experience less pain and more joy. Chloe talked about how she had worked with a lot of bereavement groups and people going through grief over the years and that is how she felt there were many ways that could help her way through the grieving process. Kira felt that her life was going to have a brand new day from this day forward. Kira trusted that Chloe could help her walk through the grief and loss she experienced and ultimately help her experience the joy that she desired to know and make a reality the vision of the romantic love of the two sea gulls in the vision she had. She knew that facing and walking through her grief would bring her closer to the true love that she desires.
  Chloe began to talk about Kira relationship with Sam. “Well Kira said, it wasn’t a sexual one. Sam was married. They didn’t flirt or anything like that. They never lived together. Never dated. They were good friends. Sam encouraged me as I wrote the book “Cool Breeze.” He made me laugh. We watched movies together. I would watch him create art. We were two artists that appreciated and admired each other’s work. We had a mutual respect for each other. He was a balcony friend who cheered me on. He helped me to see the good in me when my inner light got low.” Kira began to tear up “He was this creative soul that had big dreams. Now what happened to me reminds me of how tragic the experience was for Van Gogh in the end. Such a beautiful so to self destruct. I grieve because I wondered if I was vulnerable to falling like Sam was.” Chloe in her gentle way said as humans we are all vulnerable to great suffering and suicide. However, I don’t see you have suicidal tendencies. I am not concerned about you at all. Being here is a sign that you want to take care of yourself and that you love yourself enough to come here.” Kira “I felt terrible I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. I wanted to hold onto him a little while longer. I wanted to hold onto to the goodness he was in my life. My brother I never had before. I suffered deeply growing up. I was an only child and both my parents died in my twenties in a car accident. It was so hard to lose my family like that. When Sam entered in my life I thought I could start over and make a new family for myself and he would be a part of it. I thought he would be in my life for a long time. I thought that him and I would share a long life together. But I was shocked that he was ripped out of my life so soon. I mean God brought him and I together for a reason and we were connected it was meant to me. So it came to a real shock when he was ripped out of this world in only a year’s time.” Chloe said “I can see why you thought of Sam as your brother and considering you lost your family that pain is much greater even still. Sam didn’t do this to hurt you though. True that is what happened. Sam was in a place of no hope, and a distorted mind. He could forsee another day to go through what he did. He didn’t do this to you personally and this most definitely wasn’t your fault. You are not responsible for Sam’s death. Not one bit. But you do need to say goodbye. So I would like you to take this piece of paper and these markers and I would like you to draw what you would like to say to Sam before we burn this piece and release him and your message to him.
  So Chloe turned on some meditation music very ethereal and Kira went to the table as Chloe watched and talked with Kira some more. As Kira began to draw a hill she talked to Chloe “ I never told Sam I loved him. Sometimes I wonder if I told Sam I loved him, if that would have made a difference.” Chloe gently “We never know these sorts of things, Sam may have been too much in pain and still would have done it anyway. It’s not your fault Kira. You need to let go blaming yourself. Sam made a choice one you need to accept that he mad.” Kira paused she found it hard to accept someone as kind as Sam doing such violent act against himself. That contradicts everything that she thought Sam was. Kira began to draw an angel upon the grassy hill and in the angel’s hands she held a red heart. The Angel had it’s wings expanded looking like it was going to ascend to heaven. Kira explained “I want Sam to know I am sorry that I didn’t say I love you when he was still alive that I didn’t try harder to save his life. I want this angel to take all my love I have for Steve to him in heaven. I want him to know that he changed my life and made me a better person that he helped me during a very difficult time when I was trying to write my book and that I wouldn’t have been able to write my book without him. He is my muse and champion. He encouraged me to be the artist and writer that I am. He loved me as a sister when I needed him the most. That I struggled with that pain with him gone. I will miss Sam, but I have to let you go. I can’t let this rule my life anymore. I have to let you go into the arms of God. I say you Sam goodbye. Please Angel take my love, apologies, and goodbyes to Sam.” Tears were streaming down Kira’s face. Chloe took her hand and rubbed Kira’s arm. Chloe then brought in a metal bowl and a lighter which she handed to Kira. “Goodbye Sam, may God bless you and care for you. Thank you for everything you have done for my life. Go in peace.” She lit the lighter and and set the edge of the paper into the flames and watched the flame devour the paper into ash. Ashes to ashes dust to dust. She watched the paper burn and as the angel and heart in her mind’s eye was released and ascended to heaven with her intentions and well wishes. She dropped the remaining piece of paper and burned the very last piece of the paper. All that remained was black ashes of the paper. Kira whispered “Goodbye.” The tears softened and dried upon her face. Kira and Chloe returned to the couch.
  “So how do you feel Kira?” Chloe asked. “Well I feel that I was ready now to say goodbye. I think what was holding me back from letting go, was all the self blame I was feeling like I should have done something more and that I had to come up with a way to do something more. It was like my mind was struggling to come up with a solution to fix this, but I couldn’t fix this. So I continued to self blame myself. I couldn’t say goodbye until I found a solution to resolve my guilt. But it wasn’t my fault. This wasn’t my decision. There was no way for me to know that he was thinking about this at that time. I am not a mind reader. I am a human person who loved another human who decided to take their life. It hurts still yes, but I asked forgiveness for not telling him I loved him. I guess I ask God for forgiveness for not predicting and preventing the suicide. I am not God. I need to accept I am human with limitations and I did the best that I could. I needed to forgive myself for not saying I loved Sam and for not being able to see the signs. I need to let go all the self torture I have been experiencing. I need to accept Sam made the decision to commit suicide. That was what it was and nothing more. I need to hand all of this over to God so that I can live my life to the fullest, I can’t torture myself over this anymore. Sure I know that grief takes time, and it will surface from time to time, but I feel the biggest step has been taken. Saying goodbye for me finally has been the biggest step I needed to talk. I feel that I am going to do better from this point forward. I think from this point forward I am going to start experiencing more of the joy I once knew. I really appreciate that.” Chloe said, “Kira you are not alone, you and I will be able to work together in the future and I think we will face any upstirring emotions will come up. Rest assured that this journey of healing you will not be walking alone. You can do this Kira. You can walk this journey people will walk with you.” Kira said “I think Sam would want me to do my book signings for “Cool Breeze.” “I think he would want me to move forward with my life. It’s very important for me to celebrate the good things in my life. “Cool Breeze represented all the positive memories of my journey walking with Sam. I want this journey to be a new beginning and look for ways to carry a song in my heart.” Chloe was glad to see that there was such a positive release for Kira finally saying goodbye. Chloe felt that she had gotten to the core of why Kira couldn’t say goodbye. She saw that Kira was on the path to healing and she was looking forward to working with Kira.
  Three weeks later, Kira is heading to 2 hours to Madison, WI for the beginning of her book tour. She will be traveling to various
  Highwind books in Madison city, Wisconsin. It was a very ethereal bookstore of spirituality. Kira’s book about “Cool Breeze” was featured with posters and signs with a decent size crowd. She was able to write a story about a woman with women centered spirituality. Tanya Littlefield in the story falls in love with a man in the navy while he is stationed in Iraq during the war. It’s a story of a long distance romance with a navy man Brent Hampshire.
  Kira was struggling with her day. This is her first official day back doing work and yet she wasn’t 100% yet regarding Sam. It’s been about three weeks since the funeral and it’s now Valentine’s day. Kira was alone. She felt Valentine’s day was painful for a single person. All the reminders of what you don’t have around you. Kissing couples and holding hands. Red hearts and roses left and right. Kira’s agent Carmen Conner thought it would be great to tie in Kira’s “Cool Breeze” romantic story the same time as Valentine’s day at the Highwind books. Right now Kira’s heart just wasn’t into it. She felt she was moving through the motions. She didn’t feel that she could do her best. But this was her livilhood so she was going to do the best she could.
  Kira was dark curly haired pale skin and bright eyes and smile even during sadness. She had a tendency to mask her pain. Kira is a mix of English, Irish, and Ojibwa, Oneida, and Brothertown she is enrolled in the Lac du Flambeau band of Lake Superior Chippewa. http://www.lacduflambeauchamber.com/culture.htm She is proud of her heritage her ability to see from two different racial point of views. She is happy to integrate the two parts of her life into her life. She strives to write books that yes are romantic but also contain alot of spiritual truths. She is striving to better herself as she goes through the process of writing. She hopes that as she goes on her spiritual quest to writing that she is able to uncover inner truths that help others. She is believes romantic stories should be about the love between one and their higher power and between the love between two people. A truly sacred trinity. Perhaps others don’t see that a romantic should be a story about that, but she believes it should.
  So Kira was glad to be so warmly received at Highwinds. They had a beautiful spread of appetizers of meats, cheese, and fruits including pineapple which is one of Kira’s favorites. The offered an assortment of coffees and hot teas. Kira had a cup of Japanese herbal tea. She mingled with the crowd who were so happy to see her. Many expressed how much they loved her first romantic book about “Twin Butterflies” two Buddhists Matt and Wanda who come together to transform each others lives and end up falling in love. Laura the store owner formally introduces Kira Coyhis to the audience. Kira gets up and says that writing is a God given gift that has brought her great joy in her life. She wanted to use her gift of writing to honor God because she believes this pleases God. She was dissatifised with the way a lot of romance stories are told many without the presence of God in the ones she was coming across. She wanted to express that her concept that for her true love was a concept that required God to be a part of the selection of the partners. That God was the one who chooses the partners and brings them together. That through God was the fact that romantic love was even possible. A union of three. God and each partner. She said she hoped that when you read “Cool Breeze” that it inspires you with hope and asks you to build your relationship with your higher power as part of the romance process. A lot of women smiled in the audience in agreeance and then applauded. They then got up and proceeded to line up next to the display and table where Kira was to do the book signing. Each woman came up and talked to Kira about how “Twin Butterflies” have changed their lives. How they basically started to turning to God for romantic guidance instead of traditional romance stories or soap operas. Many expressed frustration with dating sites and failed relationships, but expressed that knowing God has a plan for their romantic lives has given them such hope. That building their relationships with God has made things smoother for them and they are grateful to be able to develop trust in God more. Kira did the best she could to maintain a smile, knowing grief had been so fresh. These women need hope, inspiration, and love of God right now, they didn’t need to know that right at this moment that Kira was struggling with her relationship with God. She was angry at God. She didn’t feel that she could understand God. She felt that there were bad things that happened in this world and she couldn’t reconcile with. She wanted to love God, but she feels that there was so much grief and loss. She admitted she doesn’t understand God. She wanted to love God, she felt a presence of God even if she isn’t always talking to God. Kira snapped out of her train of thought to try to focus about on each woman as she came up to her eagerly awaiting to have her book signed and a chance to talk to Kira. Finally, the last woman stepped up to the table. Hi I am Sandy “I think you are my favorite writer. You really have something that women need to hear. I know for myself I have been struggling for so long, but you know I finally trusted God and look at me now.” She raised her left hand and she showed a gorgeous wedding ring and a brilliant smile. “Kira I believed God would find me a husband after reading your book “Twin Butterflies” and I did. Thank you so much! You are an answer to my prayer.” Kira said, “It wasn’t me I was just the messenger, God wanted you to know Him all along because he loves you more than anybody else could. I am happy God brought you the man you were meant to be with.” Sandy came around the table and hugs her, Kira felt an ache in her heart. She knew she once believed these words that she, but they seemed hollow coming out of her mouth. Sandy walked away from the table and Kira began stacking the books, and she glanced up into the crowd when she noticed a man that looked like Sam standing in the bookstore down to the same red plaid shirt that Sam used to always wear. Her eyes locked with his and he stared back to her. Goosebumps formed up and down her arm. She gasped and dropped the books. Which caused a loud noise and everybody in the room looked back at her. When she realized what she had done and she looked back and the man who looked like Sam was gone. Kira couldn’t believe what she had seen. How is this possible? What did she see? Was it coinicidence that there was a man there that looked like Sam or was that Sam’s spirit reaching out to her. She couldn’t stand there anymore with everybody staring at her. She ran to the back of the store and began to bitterly weep. She didn’t understand what was happening to her. She cried and cried. Just then a book fell to the floor. She knelled down and picked it up and it was open and her eyes jumped automatically to Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Kira asked God in her mind, what plan? And as she got back up and stepped back she banged into someone. She startled herself, dropped the book, and she looked into the eyes of a man she had never met before. He said “Let me help with you that.” He knelt down and picked up the leatherbound Bible and carefully handed it to Kira. “Your Kira Coyhis, I recognized your picture from the display out at the front that I noticed My name is Julian Sands.” Kira looked up she put the book back on the shelf. “I seem to be dropping books today.” trying to laugh at herself. Julian smiled at her with a broad smile. “The display says you are a writer, so am I. I write mystery novels.” He reached into his jean jacket and pulled out a business card from his pocket and handed it to Kira. They began to walk out from the back of the store towards the front window. As she looks out the window she stares in disbelief as she sees Sam outside across the street in the same red plaid shirt. His hands were at his side. He was just calmly looking at her. Kira wondered if she was going out of her mind. Just over Sam’s head she began to see two seagulls flying in tandem with each other. Flashed of the smoke of seagulls she saw in the smoke weeks before. God help me to understand. “Hey where did you go?” Julian asked. Kira startled she looks up into Julian’s eyes and then looks back out to see both Sam and the seagulls gone. “I am alright.” Kira said. Julian said “You look like you were a million miles away deep in thought.” “I thought I saw someone I knew,” said Kira. Julian said “You look like someone I would like to talk to more. How about you and I go out for a coffee?” Kira felt sad by seeing Sam, not sure what he was trying to tell her or the meaning of the seagulls, but Kira knew she felt very emotional.” Kira looked up to Julian with sad eyes. “You seem like a really nice and interesting guy, but I my heart just isn’t in it right now. I recently lost my friend to suicide and I am still grieving over what had happened.” Kira was about to walk away from him in pain, but again she saw the pair of seagulls in the window. She sighed remembering what her grandmother told her about visions especially ones that repeat. Julian said gently: “I am sorry about your lost you must have really loved him.” A single tear descended down Kira’s cheek. “Yes I did. Everything is so fresh right now. You seem like a really nice guy though. I do want to hear more about your writing. She looked back at Julian feeling that maybe he was the one who will help her to emotionally heal that Creator sent. She reached into her purse and pulled out a card. “I am going to be out of town for about a week, but I am planning to be back in Migaw next week. Maybe it will be a better time to connect then. Julian looked upon Kira with such warmth and compassion, I completely understand. I look forward to talking with you then. Kira wiped the tear away and smiled. She extended her hand and shook his. “Thanks for your help earlier.” “No problem.” and he smiled warmly back. “I will talk to you soon.” “Okay I look forward to talking to you then.” Kira than grabbed her coat and left the store and got into her car and then began to break down sobbing. She was holding it in all during the booksigning. She just couldn’t contain it any more. She felt like she couldn’t go forward. This was so painful. Trying to get back into her routine of her work. She knew she had other book signings to go. Other people to meet trying to spread her message of God as the true source of love and the real matchmaker. But how can she say she loves God and truly mean it with all this anger and pain inside her. She started to feel like a hypocrite. She didn’t want to be a fraud she really wanted to be true to herself. She wanted to say what she believes and mean. She really wanted to be genuine and she didn’t know what else to do. She didn’t know how to encourage the healing process. Then she heard Chloe’s voice “Grieving is a process. It’s the journey from mourning to joy.” Kira sighed heavily she realized that there is no quick fixes. That this is something she is going to have to do step by step. She needs to take this journey. She knows she wanted to achieve joy in her life again, but she knows this process can’t be rushed and needs to be taken step by step.
  Kira finally arrived in Milwaukee and went to her hotel room at the Walsch Hotel. She was very tired and exhausted from her trip to Madison. She wanted to spend the night relaxing and unwinding. She checked her emails and surfed the net while listening to a local radio station. She decided to go down to the hot tub and unwind. She changed into a swimsuit and proceeded down the hallway. She turned right into the hot tub and pool room. It was late and she was the only one there. She proceeded to lay down her towel and personal items and began to place her foot tentatively into the hot water. It felt very comfortable for her so she began to immerse herself into the entire tub. She welcomed the warmth and to relax. Water she always found very soothing. It comforted her weary soul. What was she thinking? She wasn’t ready to go on to a trip so far away from home. The timing of things were so bad right now. She craved the comfort of home. She just wanted to go back home, but she had worked so hard on this “Cool Breeze.” She had book signings all lined up in advance before she knew what happened to Sam. She couldn’t put her entire life on hold, but she felt needed to take break. However, the way things are going she didn’t feel that she could manage to do that. Life seems to just move on and on. All she wanted to do was put on the brakes. She sunk deeper in to depths of the water wanting it to wash away all her sorrows and weariness.
  Kira’s hands begin to clench under the water. “God I am so mad at you! I am so mad at Sam! I don’t know why this had to happened! But I feel such anger. I am mad that Sam would harm himself and leave me. There was no suicide note. There was no reason given why. I have all these unanswered questions. I don’t think I will ever find the answers either. God, I can’t believe you let Sam hurt himself. I can’t believe that this was okay with you. I know you control the time when people’s live are over. Pastor says that you know when their lives are up before they were even born. I am angry that people are vulnerable to suicide. That we are so weak, and that scares me. I have such a hard time that free will can include taking one’s own life. This frightens me. This vulnerability that people have in this world. God, I don’t see your wisdom in allowing someone to freely choose to commit suicide. Kira tensed her entire body. I don’t know how to heal from this Creator. Kira proceeded to sit in the waters in complete silence.
  After much time had passed she crawled out of the hot tub and dried herself off with her towel. She started to feel some relief as she began had let go some things that were all locked up inside her. She needed the comfort of sleep right now. Kira made her way back to her hotel room and entered her room with her key card. Then she changed into dry clothes and blown dried her hair. She turned off the radio and she then climbed into bed. She was weary in spirit and she sunk deeply into deep sleep. While dreaming she began having a dream of a man in a jean jacket and brown hair, she remembered him from the Highwind bookstore in Madison, WI. He was sitting in the chair from her bed and he began talking to her. She listened to his soothing voice. In her dream she spoke to him too and this went on for some time back and forth. Finally, Kira woke up from her sleep, but she didn’t recall what Julian and she had said to each other. All she remembered was Julian’s soothing voice and the comfort of talking with him provided. Kira for the first time in weeks felt a sense of peace. She felt good. Then she felt guilty for feeling good like it somehow tarnished the memory of Sam to be happy. But she wanted to hold onto this comforting feeling for as long as she could because today she faced another crowd of strangers all begging for her attention and wanting her to spread her message about God and true love. The task ahead of her caused her to dread what was coming next and she wasn’t sure if she could move forward in her day, but she really needed to get back to living and she was indeed a writer.
  Kira arrived at Women’s Heart bookstore on the eastside of Milwaukee it was a women’s spirituality and wellness sanctuary. A friend of her turned onto this place because it was a beautiful place for women to connect with each other and to refuel each other’s soul. They were very grateful to be able to have Kira and they were extremely welcoming when she entered the door. This was her second book signing at this store and they treated her like she was family there. She was excited to see Diane and Cathy Schuber the mother and daughter of the store. They caught up on old times as Diane served hot tea to the women. They were going to have Bonnie Smith come before the book singing and do a concert before the performance. Bonnie was a beautiful keyboard player and singer of cover songs and original songs that Kira had heard perform there before. She was truly grateful to be able to be there. Kira felt that she was in her home away from home when she was there. She started to feel more of her optimistic and natural self return. She was rejuvenated drinking the tea, listening to the water fountain, the beautiful music and to be surrounded with a lot of empowered and spiritually entuned women. This is why Kira does what she does. She began to feel that since having the conversation with God in the hot tub that a lot of her resentments were melting and she was regaining herself and her soul again.
  When she got up to speak she spoke passionately about how God loves you where you are and God has a plan for you to prosper and have a positive future. She started to be able to believe her own words as she started to feel that her relationship with God was beginning to heal. She could feel that God was loving her in turn. She was relieved to not see Sam’s spirit anywhere. She was grateful that she could simply connect with the women. And the women at this place were more than generous in their attention and words. There was a feeling of such profound sisterhood there. That was exactly what she needed to restore her spirit. That healing bonds of women was what she always responded to the most. She was grateful to be a part of this connecting of feminine spirit. It restored her weary soul and she was able to actually laugh and enjoy herself again. She wanted to feel stronger and happier in her life, but she know that her journey was far from over. She thanked Diane and Kathy for their warm hospitality as usual.
  Kira went back to her hotel room. She had a third book signing the next day also in Milwaukee. Kira had a lot of time in the night. She felt while the day was good she still felt a lot of things moving through. She turned on K Love after she decided that she didn’t want to turn on the television. She began by pulling out her notebook and began to sit on her bed. She took a pillow and placed it in her lap and she began to write longhand.
  Dear God,
  I don’t understand why you caused me to experience so much pain and brokeness. I am not sure what you are trying to teach me. I don’t see what purpose you have for tSam’s suicide in my life. I have got to work through this and see the divine plan you have for my life. How can this be a loving act? I don’t understand what your plan for me in this regard is for. I am struggling deeply over the losses in my life, but I am having a hard time to see the love you have for me in my life. What is my purpose according to your will?
  I don’t want to be a victim. I am a survivor. I am a part of your divine plan and love for my life. I just don’t see the details of your plan and how they affect me. I am not sure about things. I am not a victim. I can’t be a victim. I can’t stand the word of being a victim to anything. It sounds so powerless and out of control. I don’t know what else to be. I don’t know how to fulfill your divine purpose.
  I don’t know what is happening to me? I don’t know if I care about what you desire to do in my life? For a long time I have been questioning if you knew what is happening to me. I questioned whether you care about the pain I am feeling. God, please reveal to me what you are doing in my life and what you desire for me, in me, and through me as a result of my brokenness.

Thank you,
Kira CoyhisKira, put down her notebook on the corner of at the nightstand by her bed. She laid back and listened to the song “You Found Me” by Big Daddy Weave. She just listened to the song as it washed over as she let the meaning of the words sink deep into her. She was thinking to herself. She didn't want sympathy from anyone like Julian. She was tired of that kind of affection. She didn't want her connection to be based on her being the victim and him come rushing in to be the one to shower her with sympathy. She thought about throwing his card away. Then she paused. He seemed as enough kind of guy. But she didn't want to feel that he was rescuing her as she is a victim. She felt terrible. She hated being weak in another's eyes. She didn't want to be considered as helpless needing to be rescued. She resented when guys did that. She just wanted someone to love her, not be confused by the showering of sympathy which feels false to her. She didn't like she told Julian that she lost someone to suicide. She felt terrible revealing so much to a stranger. She felt terible that she would even allow herself that kind of vulnerability with another. She didn't want to have to deal with him, but she remembered she saw Sam and the two seagulls the moment she was with Julian. She knew that she was meant to have a connection with him. But she didn't know how to navigate with him. It was so difficult. She felt terrible she didn't know what she can do now. She decided to Google him. So she pulled out her laptop which contained her work of her third book “Aqua Blessings” which she was about halfway written. She quick checked her email and found that K Love's Encouraging Word was “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3 , NLT She then went to Google and typed in Julian Sands. There appeared several people by that name including an actor. But after some searching she found Julian Sands a Madison, WI mystery writer. She checked out his website. He apparently had written seven books. He was cute with a nice smile. He came across as very intelligent which intrigued her to want to talk to him. She wondered though what did he want to talk to her so much about. I mean sure they're both writers, but what in the world did he want to talk with her about? She simply did not know. He seemed much further along in his career than she was. She admired that about him. She wanted to know what is going on in his mind though. She reached for the phone while turning his card over and over in her hand. She could call him now if she wanted to. Maybe talk to him. But she shook her head she really didn't feel like turning on the charm at moment for him. She had her doubts as to the significance of him in her life. Sure she saw the signs, but that didn't seem to explain her the details of exactly the significance he was going to play in her life. She didn't understand his role in her life and why the universe was rolling out all the stops to let her know that she was to pay attention to him. She didn't understand. Kira started to sing along to the song on the radio. “Forever” by Chris Tomlin. Kira loved to sing. Singing usually felt good. Kira wanted to some day write a Praise and Worship song. She felt like she could if she put her mind into though she realized that writing a song was different than writing the novels. She had no idea about how to go about writing a song. Though she toyed with the idea several times. Kira said to herself I am not a victim. I am right now a survivor, but I don't even like that. I would rather to thrive. She would rather be living the best life she could be. She wants to be extending herself to every reaches that she could be. She wants to life the rich full life God wants her to lead, she just didn't know exactly what she had to do to get there. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. It was strange and she didn't know by what means God is trying to take her. She is fed up though remembering the look of sympathy in Julian eyes. I suppose that's what you're suppose to do when someone suffers, but it helped her to be independent. She didn't like the idea of being dependent on a guy. She took Julian's card and threw it in the trash. And then went to her bed and crossed her arms in a huff. Flashes of her vision in Madison crossed her mind. She sighed heavily. What are you doing to me? She marched over to the trash bin and fished out Julian's card. She apparently was resistent moving forward towards Julian even though the universe was nudging her in his direction. She didn't know what to do. She felt so vulnerability. Like he might have seen her crying in her car. Lord what was he thinking next. She didn't feel well about the situation. She didn't feel ready. Yet, she was curious about Julian. She wondered about him quite a bit especially she dreamed talking to him during her sleep. She actually had him in her mind all the time. She didn't like admitting she thought about him quite a bit actually. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. God help me? Why am I so resistant to move forward with him? Why? She got the feeling that God said because he can see your vulnerabilities she should move forward....that he could help her because he could see them so clearly. Which is hard. She had a hard time getting a close to any man. She was a hard time to admit she wanted Julian. His compassionate eyes, and soothing sounding voice. There was a lot appealing about him. She didn't understand why she was so resistant. It was hard to admit that she didn't understand why she always had issues with men. She just wanted to connect with a guy who gets her. She felt like Julian gets her though. As brief an encounter they had. She felt there was some kind of deep spiritual connection with him. Like she couldn't hide from him. That he saw right through her. She felt that it was scary someone who could read you so easily without a word. Someone who knew you inside out and in just a brief moment. She felt a strange longing for him. She wanted to talk to him now, but the grief is so fresh she new she needed some time. She felt difficult to deal with the situation. She wanted to heal but she know she would be still in the admist the grief by the next time she talked to him. She wasn't healed thoroughly yet. Maybe this was God's design all the way. Kira retired to sleep she had an early day the next and she need to go to downtown for a her third book signing. She drifted off to sleep. Again Julian appeared in the same seat. This time she asked him why he kept coming to her. “You need me.” Julian said. Kira said in a huff, “What makes you think I need you so much? I hardly know.” Julian said “ You are the one who keeps calling me to you.” Kira was like “I don't recall calling you.” Julian said “How do you think I found you here?” Kira is like “I couldn't possibly need you. I am an independent woman.” Julian laughs “And yet here I am.” Kira wakes this time remembering the whole conversation between her and Julian. She didn't understand why he rubs her the wrong way? I mean he seems to be nice. Hasn't said anything wrong. But it's like he knows something or something about her and he isn't telling. And that simply drives her up the wall. She doesn't know what to do about this. She is a mixture of being annoyed and intrigued at the same time. Kira laid back in bed. Boy this Julian is sure under her skin. She can't seem to stop thinking about him or dreaming about him. And the crazy thing of it all is she hasn't even really sat down and talked to him yet. This is so strange she thought to herself. She just doesn't know what to do about the situation. She never recalled being so flustered about a guy before without ever meeting with him one on one to get to know him. She found that very strange and she didn't know what to think about it. She just simply didn't know and she was wondering what was going to happen next. She drifted back to sleep this time undisturbed by her nightly visitor. Kira woke up early the next day. The bits of the dream before floating still through her head. She flipped the comforter and the sheets off of her and shut off the incessant beeping of her alarm. She was still moving through her life at a very sluggish pace. Grief still relevantly fresh she was trying to move forward, but she was beginning to realize that all the other losses she ever experienced surfacing in her life too. She was having a hard time as she was experiencing the grief the loss of both of her parents in a car accidents when she was in her early twenties. She was struggling with that too lately. This was a major loss from her past that she was struggling with and dealing with even minor losses. Loss was strangely surfacing for her as she began to face the grief of losing Sam. It was quite uncanny. It was like facing the grief with Sam was forcing her to look at every loss that she ever experienced. She didn’t know how else to deal with what she was going through. She struggled very much going through a lot of things she was struggling with, but she was feeling more and more intensely loss. She felt it was overwhelming lately to focus on everything at once. She didn’t know how to deal with everything. Kira decided to call Chloe later in the day. Kira shared with Chloe everything that she was doing that was struggling in her life. She had such a hard time to deal with and didn’t know what is going to go through and it was challenging. She described to Chloe what she was going through. It was very hard and it was struggling to make it through. It was strange. She was starting to cry regarding the weight of everything. She felt she had such a hard time coping with everything. She didn’t know what she was going to do. Grief was just simply erupting everywhere and it was such a struggle to do anything. Chloe in that comforting and soothing way she knows how to do it she basically said that “You are in control Kira. You can pick and choose what you want to focus on. You don’t have to let everything come crashing down upon you.” Kira mulled over the words for awhile. It was a relief to Kira to know that she didn’t have to tackle everything at once. It helped her to cope with things one thing at a time. And right now Kira wanted to focus on the loss of Sam. She needed to come to terms with what she is going through. She was struggling with just even that. She didn’t understand why the floodgates were all of a sudden opening on everything else. Chloe said “It’s because you are experiencing any unresolved guilt that you may have. It’s a challenge I know, but you can deal with this one thing at a time.” Kira sighed heavily. She was starting to feel how heavy the burden was. She knows this isn’t a process she couldn’t rush after talking with Chloe. She tried to do the best she could with what she had. She struggled with all the feelings she had. She was trying to feel whole but all she could feel was the brokenness in her life. She hoped that God will be able to answer her prayer from the night before about what God what the brokenness would she be able to deal with. It’s very strange. She didn’t know what she could do. She told Chloe that the only thing she could do was to take everything step by step. It’s very hard for her and yet she knew she already began the journey. She just wanted to be over with, but she knew it was going to take along time for her to process things. She didn’t know what else she could do. Chloe said “I have faith in you that you can do this. You have a lot going for you Kira.” And with that Kira ended her conversation. Kira took a shower and let the power pulsated all over her body. She savored it’s warmth and let it massaged her body everywhere. She was doing a great job with that she felt great. She didn’t want to go get dressed. She didn’t know what was going to happen and she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do next .She was trying to do the best she could. But she felt like so many things were running through her mind. She went to get dressed and she was trying to get her life back together. She was struggling to do the best she can and she was trying to be apart of life. She just didn’t know how. She was struggling with the details of day to day living. She just wanted to make sure everything was going well. She was going through things in a very strange time and things were interesting but she didn’t know why. And she was finding things strange .She put on her clothes and was trying to get her life in order and she was struggling to do the best she could. She kept thinking that over and over. She finally got her clothes on and began to dry her hair and she was experiencing a good time with the warm air blowing through her hair. It was very good and she was happy just doing that for awhile. She was enjoying herself and this was all she could. Dealing with things moment by moment. She didn’t know what else to do. All she could deal with is the being the moment. If she looked to far in the future she was too easily overwhelmed and she couldn’t live like that. No, each moment by moment was so strange. But she soaked in each moment as she breathed into the future step by step. She tried to psyche herself up that she can continue with these the book signings. She was feeling that she needed more comfort more than usually being so far away from home. Kira started to tell herself. That she was going to reunited with Sam in heaven that she said to herself. He is in a better place. So why is she still feeling so much pain? She didn’t understand why this was so hard for her to process and she was struggling to feel whole and well again. She felt she was doing the best she could, but she didn’t know to feel good about her life. What exactly was the real problem? Was she still having issues with God over this? Something she hadn’t uncovered before. She was struggling with the answers .She knew she couldn’t force them, but she was trying to do the best she can. Kira decided to get dressed and go to Mountain bookstore in Grand Ave Mall in downtown Milwaukee for her third book signing before she is returning home for a short while before she is back on the road again. Kira was trying to get some fun in her day because it's been such a long time since she had any. She went to Arby's in the Food Court and had a roast beef and cheddar sandwich with extra Arby's sauce. Just her favorite like she had as a kid. She sat down and observed some children and and was amazed of their playful light heartedness. She liked watching them smile and their giggling faces as they played with their food. Their parents meanwhile carried on with a delightful conversation. Kira finished her food and headed down to Mountain bookstore and there was a wide assortment of books and people. Kira talked about “Cool Breeze” and how it was her sequel to “Twin Butterflies.” She was happy to hear that. She enjoyed talking about herself and made a few jokes on the fly. The book signing though there were a lot of people went by very quickly. And before she knew it she was back out the door. She decided to casually roam the stores while she was there. After which she was planning the road trip back home. She checked out some clothing stores and tried on various accessories. She wandered into a music store and had a good time sampling the didn't flavors by listening to the samples on the CDs at the listening stations. She was having a good time and things were good. She had a good time as she just let herself spend quality time with herself and she explore with a childlike wonder. Not really interested in buying anything but she was definitely interested in trying to find things. She was exploring things that went by her eyes and was whimsical she tried to relax. Things had been very intense lately. She didn't know what else to do. She struggled to do things before and she just couldn't keep going like that. She needed to lighten up a bit. Yes losing her friend to suicide was definitely a tragedy. One that she was going to have to deal with for some time and new issues would definitely surface as she went, but she felt that she needed to start coming back to the living. She had grieved hard like for so long it didn't seem she could continue that self torturing way anymore. Kira knew Chloe would help her through her ordeal. She had to struggle through the way things are. She struggled and did the best she could. She realized after talking to Chloe though that what was overwhelming her so was how all the losses of her past were coming up including the death of her parents and the loss of her last relationship. That's probably why she has had to feel like she had to be so independent because she felt like she had no body else and she struggled with that. It was a very difficult time. She was healing slowly, but not quick enough for her. Kira wanted to be done with all the grief. She wanted to not have to be admist the suffering. She didn't want to feel all the pain all the time. But she knew grief was a season a time to cry and soon that season will be over. She wanted things to be done, but she knew that God had lined up special healers to help her deal with the suffering. She struggled in the beginning because she was trying to do things alone and it was very hard she didn't know what else she could. She struggled in many areas of her life. She didn't know how to surrender her life to Creator's will. She felt like she wanted to be in control because she was so afraid. She was afraid of everything that was coming through her mind. Things were going very hard she wasn't sure how she was going to be able to make things happen and it was so difficult for her. She had trust issues with God which were basically love issues. She struggled with the way things are. She didn't understand how to make things happen and people struggled every time. Life was strange. She didn't know how to make heads or tails of things is what she started thinking as she got into her car to drive home back to Migaw, WI. She was struggling in many areas and trust was a big issue for her. She didn't know how to trust the process. Like with this Julian guy there was this power connection while she slept, but what did she really know about Julian. Apparently, Creator brought this guy to her but she didn't know truly for what purpose. Maybe he was the one who would help her emotionally. She felt God did indeed lead her to Julian and pointed him out with a very obvious sign, but she didn't understand what he was so interested to talk to her about. She just wanted to get home first most, and unwind a bit. The traveling admist grief was very difficult for her to deal with. All she thought about was the comfort of her familiar surroundings at home and she was very interested in being in her bed. She loved being in her bed...she loved to dream. She loved to be curled up in the comforter and holding a pillow. She felt great and she loved while she slept she just wanted to get as much as she was inside her bed. She felt safety in her bed. She felt a lot of peace. She longed for it and she didn't know how else she did that. She felt like she longed for something greater sometimes, but usually what it boiils down to is that being home in bed was the best place she liked to be in her life. She longed to sleep a lot these days. She didn't feel like being around all these people and she didn't know why things had to be the way they were. She struggled with the day of day living. It's not that she wanted to dwell on suffering or being a victim. She found it hard to face her so many various emotions she struggled with things that was such a hard time trying to make a motion to move forward. She didn't know what she wanted to do. She knew when she went home she should be doing some more writing. But she didn't feel like it. She just didn't. She wondered what Julian wanted to do with her. She wasn't like this at all. She tried to do the best she could, but grief was definitely moving through her. She didn't understand what to do. She wanted to try to do the best she can. She didn't always see the silver lining in things. She tended to run from her feelings. She was used to running. That's all she ever known and she wasn't able to deal with a lot of things. She struggled trying to make things better in her life. She wanted to make things happen. She was struggling. She tried to do the best she could, she just couldn't figure out what to do next sometimes. She tried to do the best and that never seemed to be good enough. She struggled with many things going through their life. It was hard and they tried to do the best they could. I love this song she thought to herself and this band that was playing on the radio. She was having a good time driving home because she was going to drive herself to her bed. She couldn't do with things anymore. She just wanted relief. She still wondered what was going on with Julian what did he mean we have a lot to talk about? She thought that was very strange and that they wouldn't be able to connect but she was trying to figure him out based on what fleeting impressions she got when she ran into him and what info she could get from his website. She wanted to get a good night sleep and then after she rested she wanted to call him. She was curious as to what was going on in his mind. He looked kinda cute. He was about her height and with dark hair and glasses. He was wearing a jean jacket and had a nice smile. She was very happy with what he shown her. It was a strange timing. She thought things were going to be rather interesting and she looked forward to going home. She needed to rest. She was exhausted and she was struggling to get through the hours driving home. She just wanted to get there. She didn't know what was going on with her. She needed to be caught with some love. She was tired about writing about love for fictional characters and never experiencing the love herself. Sure she had relationships but she didn't experience what she considered true love. She didn't understand God's timing but she was trying to get through things the best she could. She tried to help things that were going on. She was struggling and it was nuts and it was crazy and she didn't understand why things were happening the way they are. She knew that life was strange, but she didn't understand what was going on. Life was peculiar and then strange in so many ways. Life needed to be gentler to her. She believed God had a plan for her sure, but she didn't seem to have a clue exactly what that would be. She struggled to get through her life and she didn't know what was going on. She was hurting in the moment. All the grief in her life just kinda surfaced, it seemed to be God's timing that the pain she was struggling would be difficult to deal with and they struggled to do the best they could. She didn't know what else to do. She is being told to enjoy her life and experience happiness, but she find it hard to deal with. She felt so alone and she didn't know what else would make her happy. She tried to do the best she could, but how could she do happy? Letting go so much will be so many burdens. It was hard and things that broke her heart. She was having a hard time. She just at that moment remembered her grandmother and how she was buried with an eagle feather. Another pain of great pain and grief washed over her. She was having such a hard time with that. She just didn't want to keep experiencing the waves of grief throughout her life anymore. They were coming at her left and right she just wanted to be out of this dark tunnel completely and in the light. She wanted to break free from this walk of grief, but she didn't know how else she could handle that. It was hard she didn't know what else to do. It was so hard for her to let things go. She didn't know what else she was supposed to do. She struggled on and on and she went through her life and she went through this grief over and over. It was as if God wanted her to release all the old things she was holding on. To let go and let God. She wasn't very good at doing that she had such a hard time with that. Sure she writes about God having a plan but being single sucks. And waiting around for God was driving her nuts. She felt like in matters of the heart she can be impatient. She wanted to have kids and a family, but she didn't know how that would be possible when her biological clock is ticking. Tick tock. She felt like she was running out of time, but God surely would know that. She just felt alone without family and wanted to be connected to others. She had such a hard time. She struggled with the way things are and nothing made sense. For whatever reason, God had reasons for the way He was doing things. She didn't know how things were supposed to work. But she didn't know how things were going to go. She struggled all the time and that made things hard on her. She did believe God was the matchmaker but her being an independent woman was something that struggling to get through the life with issues of her will. She felt like she was told she was supposed to be independent that it was a good thing, but it didn't always fly with her wanting to go along with God. They seemed to conflict, she wasn't sure how things were going to come to her. She felt like she needed to surrender. Just then a raccoon jumped in front of her car and she slammed hard on the brakes. The raccoon was safe and scurried across the road because Kira she braked in time. Poor little guy she didn't want to hit him. She wasn't sure if she was going to be able to do deal with things. She tried to do the best she could to regroup her thinking. She was definitely startled, but she was trying to do the best she could to regain her composure. She tried to do the best that she could. She was back moving along the road her nerves jagged like. She was trying to regain her thoughts. What was she trying to rethink of what she was trying to get home. Oh yeah surrendering to God. Well random things like this make it really hard for her to surrender. She was still a little shaky. She was thinking trying to do the best she could and she was trying to do the best she could. But she felt like she was alone a lot of the times. God, I don't know what to do. Things are hard and life isn't easy to do, but she knew that things were going to go the way you wanted them. I don't want to struggle with being independent woman anymore, all it's done has gotten me nowhere fast and being alone. I want to rely upon you and this world is very scary and she didn't know what else she was going to be able to to do. She was doing the best she could, and she struggled. God you know I am struggling. My best isn't the good enough for you. I need to surrender to your will including your timing and I know I have issues with surrendering, trust, and patience. Things are difficult for me right now. My grief is so high and I am healing on many levels in my life especially old unresolved grief is surfacing and is being dealt with. God it's very hard to face this about myself. That I need your help and mercy. I am alone. I would like a romantic partner to co create and to love me. I really wanted to believe that you have a plan for me but I don't see what that is. I am struggling so hard with things. It is difficult to go through things in life. I wanted to be connected to you, I was angry a lot. Angry about the loss of my family it left a huge gapping hole in my life. It hurt me to be alone. I know I talk to you a lot, but I never seemed to let you inside my life. I kept you at arm's length because of my mistrust and I am so sorry for that. I want to change that though. From this point forward I am wanting to let your love inside me and heal me. I want you to be my priority in life. I want to honor the wisdom of your timing. I don't know what else to do. I can say I believe you and your plan still I am blue in the face, but if the bottom line is I am not trusting you it's very hard to allow your plan to happen in my life. It is a big struggle in my life acknowledging this part of me. I struggle with trust and patience. I want to be happy now. I want good things to happen. I want to do things well and it is hard I am struggling. And I don't know what else to do. I feel you tell me to Let Go Kira. I feel that I am meant to do that. But I don't know how. Could it be as simple as taking the pen in my hand and turning my hand to drop on the floor. It is hard time to struggle. I feel like I have been struggling all my life. I can't afford to do that anymore. I don't know what to do. It is hard and I don't know what is going on. I hurt inside because of my isolation from you. I don't want to be cut off from you. I don't want to simply hear you anymore. I want to feel you. I want to feel your peace. I want to know you from the inside. I don't want you to be some sort of radio and television signal. I want you to be real in my life. I want to know that no matter where I am you are in me inside my spirit with me wherever I go no matter what. I hurt. I am alone. It's hard to go through life alone. I hear your voice, but I want to feel your love for me inside me. Please let me feel you. I want to be fed by the great healing power of your love. I don't want to want to be alone anymore.

Please be with me God.
Kira

Kira heard herself breathing and could feel the tears that had rolled down her face. She had a hard time going through things in her life. She didn’t know what was going to happen next. She wasn’t struggling anymore. She just felt this amazing calm wash all over her. She started to feel that her life was fuller and deeper connected to God. God did love her. If God thought she was ready for somebody to be her in her life she knew God would make it possible for that person to be in her life. Was that was what God was doing when Julian and Kira’s path came together. She didn’t know she didn’t know what to think she tried to do the best she could to understand the possible role Julian would have her life. Despite her grief she did feel that Julian was cute. He had this way about him. A confidence. He was easy on the eyes. She had picked up one of his books at the bookstore before she had left a mystery he wrote titled “ Rapid Response” and threw it in her bag. She was planning to go to bed and read about his writing in bed before she contacted him. She wanted to know what she was dealing with. She felt like she should get a feel for something he has written. So, she pulled into the drive way of her beloved home. She was glad to be home and she didn’t want to have to deal with all the sufferings of what was going on. She was happy to be back at her sanctuary at home. Somedays she never wanted to leave her home. She thinks that is why she loved writing so much. That she had the freedom to be home and create new scenarios in her head. She was often told by several people that she had quite the imagination and that she could conjure people, places, and things very easily. She supposed she did have a very vivid imagination. She enjoyed the world of writing where she created the world she loved being able to create new scenarios and she was happy to be making progress. She didn’t know what she needed to do to get ahead in the world when she was young. She was always told she had her head in the clouds and she was a daydreamer, but she was happy that she found writing because it validated the natural talents she already posed. She was happy to write inspirational novels too. Something that was different than the mainstream Hollywood movies, but for her God was important part of her life and she wanted her novels to reflect that. She didn’t know how else to write. She tried to do the things that mattered to her and she was working towards her life step by step.
Kira was finally out of the car and through the threshold of her her door. Her dog Sandy entered the room and came right up to her. She was happy that she was able to be home with Sandy again and that her neighbor was able to stop in and take care of her. It was hard to deal with being away from Sandy. It was hard being away from home. Promoting a book was most stressful to Kira. She just wanted to be able to relax at home. Writing her third books “ Heart Memory” was something that she was working on writing now and she was trying to do the best she could with all the upheavel of the funeral and such. Kira craved normalcy and comfort. She wanted to be at peace and she felt that in her home of familiar surroundings. She was struggling earlier but she was glad to be back where things were nice and comfortable. She felt like she got herself back again.
She had been carrying around such a heavy heart and it affected everything she was doing including writing in her third novel “Heart Memory.” It was like the heaviness of emotion created such a huge block and it was terrible. She carried it like a huge weight….couldn’t seem to write she was stuck for the last month. It was very hard. She felt like the immense wave of grief made it very difficult for her to write she struggled with that and she was heartbroken. She couldn’t feel God’s creativity moving through her. She wanted to have a great time. She wanted to connect with people again. She wanted to write. But after processing her feelings she didn’t know what else to do. She tried to do the best she could. She was struggling. But right now she felt like that released she was grateful for that. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt that prayer she wrote helped her to truly let go. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. It was very hard to move forward but she was grateful. She was happy and let things go. She was struggling and she was having a hard time. But not she felt freer and lighter and she was felt greater. She was happy.
She changed clothes into something comfortable and grabbed Julian’s book and went to bed. It was funny to Kira that once upon a time she wanted to be a mystery writer. She wanted to try something more interesting. She thought romance was interesting to her since she always loved love stories, movies, and songs. She wasn’t very thrilled about dead bodies in her stories. She didn’t think she was interested in murder mysteries. She opened the book “Rapid Response” and began to pour through the book. She was curled up in comforter and pillows and she right enjoyed Julian’s writing style. She liked the way he painted images and it made things very interesting for her. She was engrossed in the story and time was just flying by. She was really immersed in the details of the story when she realized she hadn’t eaten. So she got up and she fixed a quick dinner of a sandwich and milk. Then she rushed back to bed to continue reading Julian’s story.
The story was about a suicide that an EMT comes across during a routine call one night. He finds himself caught up in a investigation when a female detective comes on the scene to figure the mysterious details of the person’s suicide which turns out to be a murder. As they work together they discover the murderer than targets them as they get closer to the answers of the story. He’s actually pretty good with writing about the romance story between the EMT and the detective. Which surprised her. He basically wrote a romance story surrounded mixed with a murder mystery. But Julian pulled it off very well in her opinion. Now Kira had to contact Julian about the story. She really wanted to find out what Julian wanted to talk with her about. She was intrigued by him and puzzled as to what he wanted with her.
So Kira went to sleep and again she dreamnt of Julian. This time Julian was sitting on the edge of her bed. In her dream, Kira apologized for pushing him away by telling him that she was an independent woman. She told Julian that she’s not really that independent after all. She just doesn’t understand why she keeps dreaming of him. Julian said, “There are some people you are meant to meet in life that will have a profound impact on your life. I am meant to meet you now. It’s the right time and you know that in the deep part of yourself.” Kira said “Julian, I don’t know much about you, but you are connected to my vision.” Julian said “That’s because God sent me to you. There is no mystery in that. The mystery is comes with what we’re going to do next.” With that Kira softly woken up. She realized when she wasn’t protesting him that he in her dreams seems very easy to talk to. She was grateful for that. She hoped that he would be like that during the phone call.
She leisurely took a shower in the hot water and she was grateful to be home. She got out and got dressed and proceeded to make herself breakfast of raisin bran and a glass of orange juice. She was struggling to get things done. She was eager to make the phone. But she found herself actually nervous actually scared to dial his number. She flipped his card around in her hand and she was struggling to simply call. What if he wasn’t a morning person she pondered. But if she didn’t try she didn’t know what else would happen. So she picked up the receiver and dial the number. It rang for a while increasing her nervousness but he finally picked up the phone just before she thought it was going to switch to voicemail. “Hello?” Julian said. Kira said “Hi, my name is Kira Coyhis and you met me at the Highwind bookstore in Madison, WI.” Julian’s voice brightened up “ Well hello Kira. How are you?” Kira said, “I am actually doing better since the last time I talked with you, I was having a pretty rough day that day.” Julian said “I know I could see that. I am glad to hear that you are doing better. I am hoping you were okay.” Kira tentatively, said “Well I was wondering what you exactly wanted to talk about.” Julian said, “I came to the store to see you. I have an idea for another book I want to put together but I have been wanting to co-author with another writer. My sister Amy recommended you as a writer to approach for the project after she said you did such a glowing job on your first book You see my sister read your first book ‘Twin Butterflies’ So, I picked it up and read it and I really was interested in seeking you out for this project. You are of course a Wisconsin writer and I was really interested collaborating with a local writer.” Kira said “Wow I am honored that you would even consider me for that project. To be honest I have already read one of your books too ‘Rapid Response’ and I must say for a mystery I was quite impressed with what you have written too.” Kira asked “What kind of book do you want me to co-author with you?” Julian said “I was thinking that you and I could do a mystery novel together.” Kira said “Julian I have never written a mystery novel before.” Julian said “Well I have have and I could help on that end, but what I like about your style of writing is that you write inspirational romance novels. I want to have a female co-author so that we can write the novel together. This will be the first time I co-authored anybody and I am really interested because your a very good writer from the local area.” Kira said “I am not sure how this is all going to work together. I have never coauthored with anybody before.” Julian said “Think about it and we can discuss the ideas at a later point.” Kira said “Alright I will think about it. Why do you want to coauthor a book with someone so bad?” Julian said, “I just want to experiment with something new. I have been writing mysteries by myself for some time and I really want to try something new. I have never really written with anybody else and I thought it might be interesting to give it a try with someone who will bring a fresh new perspective.” Kira said “I have never written anything with another author before myself either. I like the idea of trying something new. I will have to figure out how to fit it in with my third book ‘Heart Memory.’” Julian said “Well if it helps you any I am also working on a novel myself, but I think I could manage an additional project on the side. We could meet up together and sit down working on the novel either at your place or my place. Or someplace in between. I believe it said somewhere you are in Migaw, WI and that is only a couple of hours from where I am. I really want to work with you Kira. I read “Twin Butterflies” and I was moved about what you talked about God involved with love. It means a lot to me. I normally don’t read romantic stories, but yours was very inspirational.” Kira said “I ususally don’t get many male readers so it’s always a welcome compliment to receive. I am personally have a hard time picturing us working together in the actual writing of this story. It seems you and I have very different styles of writing. Yours is more action oriented, mine is more spiritual. I am not sure how they are going to blend together. Like is one of us going to type and while we both talk? I am not sure how this is going to work.” Julian said: “It can work however we want. We can take alternating chapters if you want. Or we can simply sit down and one of us type while we discuss what we’re going to write. I think it will be fun Kira.” Julian said “That’s just the thing I know very little about you. Sure I read “Rapid Response.” and I got a sense of your writing style and I read your website a bit, but I don’t know what you are about right now. I want to get to know more about you.” Julian you’re right we should get to know each other better. How about this I will come to Migaw and you and I can go out to dinner and we can get to know each other better.” Kira said “That sounds like a good idea. I think this will make it easier being in the same room with you.” Julian said “How about I come up tomorrow? I would like to get the ball rolling on this right away.” Kira said “I am grateful to be talking about you, you have been on my mind lately and tomorrow sounds like a good day.” Julian said “How about at 1 pm at Santiago’s restaurant?” Kira said: “That sounds like a plan. I look forward to seeing you there.” Julian said “ Take care Kira, Bye.” Kira said: “ Thanks I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Bye Julian.”
Kira was on cloud nine. She was honored that Julian wanted to work with her. She was feeling kinda of dreamy after talking to Julian. She wondered what it would be like to work with him. She wasn’t sure what he would be like to talk with. Would they get along? What would their creative process might be like? She wondered what he was like. She didn’t know and she was wondering about tomorrow for the rest of the day. She just read a “Beyond the Clouds” in her bed and she dreamed about what tomorrow might be like during the moments. She struggled and she didn’t know what was going on. Kira laid in bed staring at the ceiling daydreaming. She often daydreamed and she didn’t know what else to do. She struggled with things very difficulty with grief these days. She wondered if people could see the grief written on her face. She didn’t know what else to do. It was very hard and she struggled through the hard time. She wanted to know what she could do in her life. She felt a creative partnership is what she needed and she wanted to help things along and wanted to connect on a very basic level. She wanted to heal and yet she know the healing journey was going to take it’s own course. Something she would have to do day by day. She didn’t know how else to move through the grief. She was sad that she had so much to grieve in her life and she wondered if she would ever get through this tunnel. She just wanted to be happy and connected with other people. She didn’t know if she could be able to connect with Julian. She was heartbroken over her friend’s suicide and that meant she also had to heal the relationship with God. She didn’t know what else to do. It’s very difficult and to pray is a challenge. Life is very different and it was strange.
Kira had a hard time trusting God all her life, but it’s during moments like this that made things much more difficult. She was full of doubt and it pained her to struggle so much. She didn’t know how to let go and Let God. She wanted to because she felt like she really relaxed if she could. She always felt like she was on high alert as if any moment the shoe was going to fall off. She felt like God and life were out to get her at times. Yet she also believed God had a plan, but she didn’t understand what kind of plan God had for her. God’s plans were always so mysterious and she didn’t understand the reasonings behind what she went through. Kira maybe had a love issue with God. Maybe she didn’t really believe God loved her as much as he did. Kira remembered how much pain she suffered being alone after both her parents died. The grief still lingered and she felt alone in many ways. She had a hard time and she didn’t know what was going on. She asked God “Why don’t I feel your love.” The response she felt she heard was “You don’t let me in.” Which she thought was strange because she has prayed many times to let Jesus come into her heart. Could it be possible that she is saying it but not doing it? She thought that was odd. So she pondered how does she supposed to let God in? She felt him say “You just did.” It was a warmth inside her heart and a feeling of safety, love, and peace inside her giving her the feeling that all is well. Could it be possible that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by God whose only purpose is your good? Kira thought I am terrified of God. “Yes you are.” she heard say. Kira asked “How am I supposed to get closer to you.” She heard “Let me touch you.” Kira said “Okay God I let you to touch me.” Kira felt what felt like warm hands on her back and she received chills up and down her arm. She felt like she received a deeper healing it helped her thoroughly. She was grateful to make the connection. It seemed so obvious to her, she never gave God permission to touch her before. She felt cut off from God like He was a transmitting radio but not connected. Now she felt that she had a physical connection to God something that she craved all her life. She was grateful. Thank God for respecting me enough for me to give you permission to touch me before you touched me. I am grateful that you respected me and my boundaries. I didn’t realize I had set my boundaries so high against you, but I see the error in my ways. I am glad you have reached out and touched me and helped to heal me. I am grateful that you opened my eyes to your ways. That you didn’t force yourself on me, but was patiently waiting to gently touch me upon inviting you in. I am grateful that you laid your hands upon me and that I feel a healing in my soul that I feel more whole than before. I know that I used to feel so lonely and I didn’t understand why, but now I am grateful for the things you have done for me in my life. I have had a hard time, it was killing me to be seperate from you and I am glad now that connection has been made between you and I. I am glad that you are a part of my life. I don’t seem to understand why things happen the way they do. I hope and pray that you are pleased with me. I hope that you do indeed love me. Thank God.
With that Kira turned the light off and she went to sleep because tomorrow she was going to talk to Julian who the universe laid across her doorstep, what would she find about him. She drifted off to sleep in deep peace. She was very calm and it was very grateful that things were happening. She was happy while she dreamnt. She felt that things were going to turn out alright no matter what. She slept in peace that she had never known. She felt she finally felt she had God completely on her side. She was content to know that she could rely on God to help her through all things in life that her relationship with God was getting stronger and she was very grateful. She dreamnt of a beautiful field with flowers blowing in the meadow. A bright blue and sunny day she saw both her parents arm in arm very happy and content. She was very grateful. They were inside her and all she had to do was think about them and they were back there. She was glad to be connected. It was very hard to deal with things. Things are very difficult. But she wasn’t going to face them alone. She did not have to hide from God her pain she could hand it over and be with God and God would help heal here wounds. She knew that it would give her great peace and she was relieved to finally made this connection. She didn’t know how else to describe the feeling when she gently woke up the next morning. She knew she would have to begin the process of moving on regarding her parents. Kira was starting to find that grieving was a very healing journey. She was starting to see the joy. She was starting to feel set free.
Kira went to pray in the morning like she normally does. It helped her to clear her thoughts. She was grateful for everything in her life. She was grateful for the healing touch of God and the subsequent healing dream about her parents. She took the tobacco in her hand and rolled it around and she went outside and expressed her gratitude. She felt very honored to be part of this world. She was glad things worked as they did. She was releasing the inner struggle that she usually experienced, but she was happy that things were going so well. She asked that God bless the meeting between Julian and Kira and that if it was his will that they create together that God would give a sign of his approval and blessings. Please be with me especially today as I get to know this man named Julian you have put before me on my path. Thank you God. I am eternally grateful. I love you God.
Kira got into the shower and loved the smell of the herbal shower gel and she was relieved. She wanted to relax a little before their meeting. She let the heat pulsate and was great that things went well. She relaxed and relaxed and she breathed in the hot steam. Then she climbed out of her shower and dried off. She proceeded to get dressed for the air was cool for February. She was eagerly awaiting for spring. The fresh smell of spring flowers in the air and green grass is what she longed for. Winters in Wisconsin can be very long and bitter, sometimes made her consider wanting to live elsewhere. Someplace tropical.
Kira put on a nice blouse and she put on some slacks. She brought her laptop just in case ideas may come to them. And a tape recorder to record the conversation for later reference. She put on her beaded earrings and her purple lipstick and she was ready to go see Julian. Welcome to what will unfold. She got in her car and drove to Santiago’s and she was early. She waited in the lobby for awhile, but not too long he was only 15 minutes late. Julian said “Sorry for being late. I am here though.” Kira said “That’s okay at least you are here she said with a smile.” They were seated at their table. The restaurant was a nice Mexican restaurant with nice decor. Quiet and comfortable. She asked him if he minded if she recorded the conversation and he said no by all means. Julian began by explaining that he was born and raised in Madison, all his life. That he has one sister Amy which he had mentioned before and that both his parents were still alive. That he got an English degree from UW-Madison. That he went into writing right away through various creative writing projects, then over the last several years he has been working on his mysteries novels. He described that he felt the urge to find a writer partner for his next writing project and that he thought if he could find a talented female writer that he would be interested in working with her. He talked it over with his agent and he was very interested Julian doing the project. So he was talking with his sister Amy about who are good local female writers he was excited when she mentioned Kira Coyhis and her books “Twin Butterflies” and “Cool Breeze” which she had gotten an early copy of. Julian revealed that he read both books himself and he was very excited and that Kira was the one he wanted to work with. He liked her writing style and her strong faith as reflected in her books. He respected her as a God loving woman. Amy mentioned Kira was coming to Madison for her book signing so he went to the book signing.
Kira was amused how these things were coming together. It was Kira’s turn to share. So she talked about growing up in Migaw, WI as an only child and how her parents died when she was in her early twenties. She went to Concordia in Milwaukee, WI and she obtained a Creative Writing degree. She wanted to move back in the home she grew up in after her parents left so she returned to Migaw, Wisconsin. She shared she was always spiritual in her Native American Ways and recently embraced Christainity whole heartedly and found herself naturally talking about God all the time. She thought that romance novels needed to be more inspirational and actively incorporate God in their pages. She knows that isn’t necessary what they make Hollywood movies, but she knows that’s when she writes it’s something that she truly believes in. She was having a good time talking with Julian so far.
Kira thought, “Julian was a very interesting kind of guy.” He was clearly creative and he had a lot of ideas. He was full of ideas. He rattled off all sorts of different ways that Kira and him could work the book together and different directions they could take it. They were interested in simply talking to each other. He was interested in the things she said and they would laugh. She was very taken by his intelligence too. He was very smart. He was definitely not like any guy she had ever encountered. He really had a lot to say too. He was very eloquent and clearly good communication skills. She liked his features and she liked looking at him. She felt that he was a great guy. So what’s the catch? How was it possible that this great guy would fall into her lap? She felt nervous. It sounded too good to be true. She was starting to wonder if he really was just using his book idea to get closer to her and if he was simply interested in her in the first place. “You must admit though it’s an interesting way to get close to someone by the idea of creating a book together.” Kira thought.
Kira was interested in writing a new book with Julian though. He was an established writer and to share a book with his name would be a good movie. She was just wasn’t sure how the nut and bolts of the daily writing would come together. Julian seemed to think that they could write together and they could write the words together. They would be interesting. Kira thought this was the greatest guy she ever met. She kept wondering if he was for real. She thought it was strange how things would come together. She really was interested in him and that is all she could think of. She was happy and that hasn’t happened in a long time. She was very interested in learning more about Julian. She didn’t know for sure though if this is what the Creator really wanted for her. She said a quick silent prayer when he stepped away from the table. “Oh God this man is so wonderful, everything I ever dreamed he could be. Is he the one you meant for me to work with? Is he the one who you meant for me? Thank you.”
Julian returned to the table. “So what do you think? Are you interested in working with me?” Kira said “Well I already talked to my agent about it and who you are, and she think it’s a good move for me. I will be splitting my time writing my third novel ‘Heart Matters’ but I feel that I can collaborate on this writing project with.” Julian said “I think I can come up to your place and we could work here. I am pretty flexible. I think the next time I come up we can come up with a title and work on a plot outline and such and go from there. I think this is going to be fun. I am enjoying the idea of this already. I am grateful to have this opportunity to work with you.” Kira said, “Thank you I really am glad you sought me out. It was a very unexpected opportunity.”
Kira and Julian finished eating their tacos and rice and beans. They sat and talked for awhile just getting to know each other for awhile. And they started to feel greater ease with each other. They seemed to both like each other which would really help as they would begin the writing process. Julian wanted to start right away. He wanted to start tomorrow and starts to make heady into the writing of the novel. Julian had to get back to Madison so he would have to go, which saddened Kira, because she really didn’t want him to leave, but she knew he would return tomorrow. They said their goodbyes and parted.
Kira went back home and she was very interested in Julian and she couldn’t stop thinking about Julian. She thought about Julian all the time since they first encountered in Madison. She wanted to just hang in her daydreams all the time. She just joyfully floated around each pleasing image after image. She felt good. Thinking of Julian made her feel good she enjoyed the time with Julian and she was happy about everything that was happening. She relaxed and she unwinded. She had a good time and she was happy. Happier than she felt in a very long time. She was back in the comfort of her home. She was interested in taking a hot shower to wind down from the evening. She was very happy to feel the hot water. She felt really good and it just felt right. She was glad to relax and just felt good doing what she wanted to do.
Kira began to journal about how she wanted to forgive Sam for leaving her for taking his life. It was very hard but she knew that forgiveness was a very important step in her healing process. She felt that she was afraid to make new attachments to people, but she couldn’t understand what to about it. While she liked the idea of working alongside with Julian she felt like that she was getting a lot of fear about getting close to him. It hasn’t been awhile, but she felt fearful of abandonment. She was afraid Julian would work with her and maybe he wouldn’t like her ideas and he would up and leave. She didn’t know what to do. She had this nagging hesitation to connect with Julian she didn’t like all the self doubt she was experiencing she struggled and she didn’t know what to do about. She thought if she wrote some more it would help her process her feelings. She wrote about the great loss she experienced when Sam left her life. It was hard and she was still filling a void in her life. She knew she needed time, but Julian was coming tomorrow and she needed to find a way to be able to deal with him now. And why was Sam directing her to him now. Strange concept of Sam helping her beyond the grave, she didn’t know what else to do. She struggled with her feelings as she wrote and wrote. She loved to write and she didn’t know what else to do but write. She poured out her feelings and she struggled and things were hard for her. She tried to do the best she could, but it was difficult. She poured at her frustrations and anxieties of the subject into her pages. It was very hard to do and she didn’t know what else to do. She was struggling and now crying about her great emptiness and this emotional wall she has constructed around her heart. Would Julian be patient enough with her to see what was happening? Would he be tear down this wall to get to her? She found Julian very attractive, but what if he didn’t see her in the same light? What if he just simply wanted to create with her. She just didn’t know what else to do. She struggled and she tried to do what she needed in her life. Kira was drawn to Julian and at the same time very intimidated by him. She was attracted to and yet a part of her wanted to run from Julian. Julian seemed so perfect, seemed like he could do no wrong. He seemed like he had the ideal career established. He seemed to have everything going for him. She didn’t know what lurked beneath…he seemed too perfect. She couldn’t come up with any major flaw with him. Which was strange because she was getting more nervous by this realization. She wanted to get closer to him, but she didn’t know what she would find. She was afraid that if she got closer to him and fell deeper in love with him that she might get hurt if she found out she just wasn’t that into her. She was afraid that she was the only one falling in love with him. He didn’t seem to express any interest in Kira and she didn’t know what to do about that she struggled and it was very hard on her. She tried her best to do the right thing but things weren’t going her way. She wanted to get closer to Julian in a romantic way, but she didn’t know if he would respond. She wasn’t very good at reading guys. But Julian had caught her attention. She was afraid to trust her vision and Sam’s spirit after Sam had hurt her so badly. But something was going on. She was always questioning her vision and never sure if she interpreted them correctly. She was riddled with doubts all the time.
Dear God,
Thank you for showing me a vision. I pray to interpret it correctly. That I am able to apply it correctly to my life. You have presented Julian in my life. Sam has even directed me to Julian. But I am afraid of Julian. I am afraid of abandonment and getting close. I struggle all the time. Help me to accept your will. Help to show me what to do. I will move forward with Julian, but I need your strength to get me through to face my fears. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to trust you and your goodness and plan for my life. It’s very important for me. I hope things will come about according to your perfect timing. I feel grateful.
Thank you, Kira.
Kira was very tired and she decided to retire to bed. She laid in bed thinking for awhile of what tomorrow was going to bring. She thought about it and mulled it over in her head. She didn’t know what was going to turn into. She drifted into sleep. Kira began to dream. She woke from sleeping on a beach and it was bright and sunny. She had a bikini on with a tropical wraparound cloth around her hip. She could see the ocean waves coming in and she smiled at the awesome beauty of her dream. She could feel the sand in between her toes. She was grateful to be immersed into such awesome gorgeousness. She quietly took everything smiling and feeling really happy and at peace. When she was alerted to a voice behind her. “It’s beautiful isn’t it,” Julian said. “Yeah it sure is.” Julian said, “You are such a dreamer,” Kira laughed, “I know that’s what my grandmother always said.” “May I?” said Julian. He was extending his hand. Kira hesitated. “I don’t know if I should. I am afraid of what is going to happen next. You seem too good to be true.” Julian said, “ I am just an ordinary guy. God is who is pulling all the strings. I am just going along for the ride. Want to come with?” Kira said “ What if I do come with you? I would probably lose control.” She said with a grin. Julian said “Would losing control be such a bad thing? Come on. Come with me. You will enjoy yourself.” Kira reached out tentatively with her hand and clasped onto his hand. He slowly pulled her to him. Kira felt her heartbeat faster. They got so close and began to touch lips. First softly and slowly. Then deep and penetrating. He placed his hand on her face and stroked her hair. He began to lay her down on the ground and Kira laid on her back and Julian was on top of her. They began to kiss even deeper. Kira began to panic and sat up. “I can’t. I can’t.” She kept saying over and over. Julian stroked her hair. “What’s wrong Kira?” Kira said “You’re going to leave like they all leave. You’re going to get close and just abandon me. I can’t handle losing anyone else. I can’t take that risk.” Julian said “I am not going to do that to you.” Kira said “You can’t gurantee that you will always be there. No one can make that guarantee. Death takes everybody. You can’t stop death. It happens when you least expect it. I can’t handle the risk, the uncertainty.” Julian said “That’s a very lonely way to live. Never opening up to anyone. Never taking any risks.” Kira started to get up and run. Julian chased after her. The sky began to grow dark and the wind picked up. A storm was brewing. Kira tripped and stumbled to the ground sobbing. Julian knelt down beside her. “Kira it’s okay you will be okay. It’s okay to trust again. To let me in. I will show you…I will show you can trust me.” Kira woke up. Her face wet with tears. She struggled with her feelings. One moment of pure bliss and beauty, contrasted by a twisted darknesss fear and running away. It was bittersweet. She began to realize that her fears ran deeper than she thought. She felt isolated from people even though she was surrounded by a room full of people. She struggled with this new insight it was strange. She tried to express herself in her morning letter to God.
Dear God,
I have a great fears inside me about getting close to anybody. I struggle with this pain. I am afraid everyone I come close to will die an untimely and unexpected death. I fear death and loss. I fear that if I get close to Julian that he will die and I will lose him forever. It terrorizes me to the point that I am dreaming of this inner demon. Please help me to heal. Julian seems like a great guy and I really want to get close to him, this emotional wall blocking him needs to come down though. It is very hard to be myself. I have suffered such profound and deep loss. I am not sure Julian can accept me for all the damage I have sustained in my life. I feel great shame for the pain I have sustained, fearing that no one not even Julian can accept me. I know you have the power to heal me God. That through you all things are possible. I need to heal. You are the great healer. I know you can heal me and I grateful that you spoke to me in my dream last night showing me great insight. Thank you for always being with me.
Love always,
Kira
Kira got up and began to get ready for the day. She turned on some music and danced around the house to get her blood pumping. She liked the feeling of getting into the rhythm of music. She was excited and she was energized. She jumped into a shower and loved the scent of her pomegranate body wash. She felt good and that was a relief. She was excited that she was able to get ahead in her life with this new opportunity. She wanted to try to be fearless as she took it on. She faced her fears in her dream and now she as about to create a new day. She dried off with her green towel and she got dressed. She was feeling good. She was happy that she was able to face the upcoming day. She tried to do the best that she could and she tried to doing something new. She got dressed and wore her favorite purple scarf and she looked really good and she was happy that things were coming together. She didn’t know what she would uncover going down this road with Julian but she was willing to find out. Kira got the place all ready for the meeting. She had some light music on now to calm herself down as she could feel her heart pounding.
There was a knock on the door and Kira went to answer it. Julian was there and interested to come see her. She was happy and felt a smile forming across her lips. She let him in. Then she wanted to offer him something to drink. He opted for the berry flavored water and she drank the cherry flavored water. They proceeded to go the tan couch. Kira’s laptop was already on the coffee table. She was interested in what he had to say. Julian was interested in a romantic mystery where Kira and Julian would take turns expressing the voices of their characters. He was thinking that they would be switching their point of views back and forth. She was intrigued by the idea. Julian said he was interested them writing side by side though all the way through. He was interested in Kira’s point of view. Kira was honored to be treated as an equal partner. Kira said she was interested in doing a mystery with a Native American female character. She said she didn’t find a lot of satisfactory stories with Native American women in them. Julian thought about the idea and he said you know I think that would be interesting. Maybe we could set the story on a reservation? Kira is like that seems so stereotypical that there are a lot of stories like that…she was more fond of the stories about urban Native Americans because she liked the intermingling of cultures with her character. Julian said that was a good point that it would be interesting. Well what do you we want to write about in our plot outline?
Kira thought about it for awhile. I am not sure, I am not used to thinking about mysteries. I am ususally thinking about characters and their relationships. Not so much the whodunit part. Not very inclined for dead bodies in my stories either. I had a hard time reading about your “Rapid Response” story because the character initially was deemed as suicide. I found trying to read through the death scene was very disturbing. Maybe because my grief was so fresh that it was harder for me to process than usual. Julian said “I am sorry that you ended picking the one book that opens with a suicide than the others I have written. How are you holding up?” Kira sighed, “I am coming out of shock and I have grown closer to God through the process, but there’s a lot of things unresolved. It reawakened the death of my parents.” Julian asked, “I am sorry to hear about the death of your parents when did that happen?” Kira said “It happened awhile ago when I was in my early twenties, but apparently there are parts of it I could not deal with and it was very hard. I seemed to put up an emotional wall after suffering the loss, something that has become apparent after Sam’s death. I feel emotionally raw. That my heart was bleeding, but it finally stopped bleeding. It was hard time. I took the suicide very hard but I never was able to deal with it. It was hard and I suffered greatly. Sometimes I want the grief to just be over with but I just entered the tunnel and I have to move forward to the light.” Julian said “I am glad you are moving forward as difficult as it seems. Well a lot of my mysteries are about murders of some “ Julian said. We don’t have to include murder I am sure we can come up with other ways to explore a mystery. “ Kira said “I am grateful for that, I was afraid we would have to be sifting through all kinds of dead bodies which would be hard for me right now. Well wait a second maybe I need to face death head on? We could try it.“
“I still think we should have the setting a reservation.” Julian said. Kira said “Oh alright. We can do that. At least for part of the story. We can put the female character on the reservation, but she is actually an urban Indian. Let’s see I want the female character to be Sandra Eagle Heart and her to be Lakota.” Julian was thinking, “I was thinking that I want the male character to be named Keith Johnson. Okay how do we want them to hook up?” Kira said “I think they should hook up in the city and they should already know each other but they see each other in a brand new light.” Julian said “What about setting the story in Canda?
Kira and Julian batter around a bunch of possibilities and characters? They come up with several scenarios and they begin to flesh out some of the details of their story. So they break to have something to eat. Kira prepares a meal for Julian. They sit and talk joking around just taking a break and they relax. She felt they are great and she liked his light hearted nature considering they were dealing with issues of death. Who knew death could be so entertaining? She was amazed by the creative process they have. They didn’t come up with a lot of ideas they agreed upon yet. They were in the middle of the brain storming stage. Kira loved brainstorming stages that they just generated idea after idea. Kira had began typing up the notes of all the ideas they were generating. She was having a good time. They started firing idea after idea and that they were working well together. It was exciting to have a partner. They didn’t always agree on everything though. But it’s okay she liked the permission to explore and have a male perspective. When she usually writes she comes up with what the male wants and thinks by herself. It was something completely different having a male writing partner. She got up to pour some iced tea. And as time flew by she looked up and noticed that it was dark outside and Julian had a long drive home still left to go. She was happy to have such a productive day. They haven’t solidified their ideas yet, but they sketched out some good ideas. Kira walked Julian to the door. Julian said we got a good start. I am busy this weekend, but I could come up Monday and we could work on this further. Kira thought that was a great idea. They wished each other good bye. Then they were off.
Kira was glowing the creative juices flowing through her. She had never been so jazzed about a writing project before. It was better than she thought it would. She was happy to be doing this with Julian. She was having an interesting time. She was struggling with things in her life, but for a brief moment she was able to let it all go. She was relieved. Kira was tired and went to bed right away. She went to sleep and just slept very deeply. Kira began to dream again and she was sitting on a picnic bench outside with the trees and the night sky. She was hoping to watch for a shooting star. She just looked up at the shiny stars and the moon above. She was happy and she was able to rest and she was having a happy time just being. She could hear coyotes howling in the night which sent chills through her soul to hear. She felt at peace though. She was happy the coyotes were near and she was grateful that things would be going well. She was grateful for the things in her life. She felt comforted in the universe. Kira was content and all was right in the world she was happy that things went well. She was hoping to go through all the things but she was happy to simply just be and she was relaxed in the moment. Such calm peace. Kira slowly walked up late in the morning. She wanted to sleep in she felt creativity took a lot out of her. She didn’t know what to do with her day. She took the day to go to see Jennifer Conner her friend of several years. She relaxed and she was going to be better she was trying to connect a friend during this strange time. She was happy to Jennifer. They went to the living room and she was grateful that things went better. She was in great peace and working towards life to be better. She was happy to take care of things and she didn’t know how things were with her. Jennifer Conner was a hair stylist who loved to travel. She was worldly and liked to be associated with a lot of men, but she never was really tied down with one relationship and commitment. She was carefree and loved her freedom. Jennifer wanted to know how Kira was doing. Kira described the positive experience she had with Julian and she described the amazing creative process she participated with him. She said she hadn’t gotten into creativity that much before. She was good finally. She told Jennifer about how she felt that she was inhibited at first because she felt that it was too soon since the funeral to get close to someone else. She felt that she couldn’t express herself and she didn’t know how to say the things she was trying to say. She felt the creative flow within her as she started talking to Julian and Julian seemed to have the same thing. Jennifer wanted to know more about Julian and Kira told her. Jennifer said Julian sounds too good to be true. Kira says she knows but he seems to be a down to earth kind of guy. Kira felt the problem was more with her as she tried to express herself. She wasn’t used to working with the male creative mind. She talked about how Julian would come out things from a perspective that was different than before. Sometimes they debated their position but they all seemed to come to agreement after sometime. She was interested in the exchange with Julian and she was grateful for things that go on and on. She tried to do the best that she could. She didn’t know how else to express herself sometimes. Sometimes she felt shy because he was a more seasoned writer than she was. She always feared sounding stupid compared to him. Mysteries build upon intrigue, but she was about relationships. Sometimes she wondered if Julian picked the correct writing partner. She didn’t know what else to do. She tried to do the best she could, but she didn’t feel that everything was going to work out. They seemed to, but she had a lot of anxiety. She struggled and she tried to do the best she could. She cried in her eyes and she just didn’t know what all of a sudden overcame upon her. Out came all of these emotions. Jennifer came over and hugged her. Jennifer intuitively knew that Kira was still sensitive and that her emotions were high. She comforted Kira assuring her that she would get through the grief and it would make her interactions with others easier. Jennifer knew that Kira’s lost of her parents caused Kira to shut down and run away from her emotions she knew that she was struggling and it was hard and she didn’t know what else to do but to be with Kira. Kira wept, such grief and unexpected outburst emotions overcame her. She struggled and she had a hard time feeling certain emotions but out they poured faster than she could register what they were she tried to the best to keep herself in control. But she sobbed and sobbed. Kira apologized for emotionally breaking down, and Jennifer reassured her it’s okay and that she was going to be alright she was struggling and things were going on in her mind. She wanted to do the best she could, she needed to accept help in the form of Jennifer. Jennifer was willing to listen to her emotions and things went well for her. She needed to get better and feel better an that was turning out to be a slow process. She told Jennifer sometimes she just wanted to go run away with Julian to a tropical island and just make love. Just him and her and have this ideal relationship, but she revealed to Jennifer how she cried and ran from Julian in her dream in a storm. She cried harder. She tries to put on a smile, but things didn’t go the way she wanted. Tears just came down. She didn’t undersand God’s perfect timing. She didn’t understand why she had to go through all sorts of things. She wanted to be done with grieving. She wanted an instant relationship that provided love and comfort from someone who would never leave her. She knew it was a fantasy. She lived in her dreams and her day dreams. She loved her imagination more than the cruel reality of the world. She often would escape into her mind when life became too difficult. It was hard to want to live her life when she loved her dreams more and they were more vivid. She didn’t have to struggle as much but she tried to do the best that she can. Life was the strangest thing to deal with and the life that she known were split into two realities the dreamworld and her reality. She preferred the dreamworld though at times confusing and surreal seemed to suit her more. Reality seemed to move so painfully slow. In her dreams she was already kissing passionately Julian in a tropical beach. In reality she only spent one day with Julian working on a story still not sure if he wants more from her and now is balling her eyes out with her friend Jennifer. Jennifer said you know that God only gives us what we can handle. Kira didn’t like what she had things seemed unfair and cruel in this world and she was always afraid. She didn’t know how to come to terms with things and she wanted peace. Life seemed so short and she wanted a beautiful relationship with Julian more than anything in the world. Jennifer reminded Kira of God’s perfect time and God is love. Kira said I am so afraid of God, I have come to see God of punishment and suffering…I terrified of God and it’s hard to believe that God wants goodness and love in my life. God took my parents and Sam and I wasn’t ready for either to go. I loved them and they were ripped from me. How can I ever trust that Julian won’t be ripped from me too. How?
Jennifer tried to calm Kira’s fears down. She let Kira cry on her shoulder as wept. “Look at me Kira. I have had men come and go and it is strange how things work. I am happy. I never needed and committed mongamous relationship” Kira said “I am not like you Jennifer. True love has always been something I wanted more than anything it really helped me get through life holding on to this dream. I won’t be on this life forever and I really need a relationship which is what I value the most. Why do you think I think about romantic stories all the time. Why do you think I want to write romantic stories, it simply means a lot for me. I just find it odd that I am basing my career and thoughts all on romantic stories and yet I really haven’t had the ideal relationship I am looking for. You know what I mean? I don’t understand why it is eluding me?” Jennifer said “Kira do you realize that perhaps you have been spending your life running that you may be running love yourself like what you describe in your dream?” Kira said “You know that is a possibility I never really thought about it before. I was starting to think God was punishing me by denying me something I really wanted.” Jennifer said “Kira had you ever thought that maybe God was waiting for his perfect timing that maybe Julian is in your life right now because the timing is right?” Kira smiled at that thought “It would nice if it was finally time for me to experience the kind of relationship I always desired, but I don’t know how to act. In my dreams I am already close and connected to him in intimate ways, but I am nowhere near that in day to day reality. It’s kind of confusing how to act with a guy that in your heart sends a fluttering, when you are just starting out in a relationship.” Jennifer said “It’s strange how these things develop. You look for something all your life and you all of a sudden things just line up. They just do. It’s hard to say. You just have to let the flower bloom according to God’s delicate way.” Kira said “I know I have a tendency to rush things too much and it’s very strange how things unfold. It seems peculiar how things are. It’s hard for me to take things slow.” Jennifer said “Yes I know how that goes. My relationshps are whirlwinds and I just fall in and out of love to the point it makes my head spin. I admire your desire for a committed relationship, it’s just not my thing.” Kira said “I need somebody to slow me down. I feel like I am often running in my life and rushing seems a big part of it. I want to relax but I don’t know how you know. I get these feelings all the time. I have these intense feelings of grief and loss, and they’re mixed with intense feelings of love and romantic feelings towards Julian. It’s almost as if it’s love at first site. It was just bad timing when Julian ran into me. I wasn’t able to relax I was swept up with panic and grief seeing Sam’s spirit in the bookstore and in the street, and my vision also appeared outside of two seagulls just at the same place where Julian was at when I first began to speak to Julian. I have seen some amazing signs. But when it comes to true love, I am just afraid to believe in signs again. I am afraid.” Jennifer said “What are you afraid of Kira?” Kira said “What if I am wrong. What if I get my hopes up and find out it was all just in my head and I made up something that wasn’t real?” Jennifer said “Kira what if you are right? What if you are really hearing God this time and God is directing you to Julian. What if Julian is really the one and that he’s really this great guy and wouldn’t you be so happy if you simply believed in yourself and God? Kira isn’t Julian worth taking that calculated risk on him just for the chance that you are right and you can really be happy in true love with him?” Kira said, “ You know I didn’t realize that. I mean yeah Julian is a guy who appears to be worth taking the chance on. Aren’t I worth reaching out the best with him? Aren’t I worth seeing this through and exploring what working alongside Julian can lead to? Julian is worth it. I want to take a chance on Julian.” Jennifer smiled, “Believe in yourself Kira you will always be able to say that you took a chance and reached for something you really wanted.”
Kira listened to Jennifer’s words. She was right she would regret it for the rest of her life if she didn’t take this chance. And in order to give herself the best chance she knew she was going to have to face the things that were blocking her ability to experience true love. She was feeling she need to face her grief and loss. She needed to face her fears of abandonment and death and she was going to have to strive harder to work on her relationship with God. Kira and Jennifer began to have a lite meal and relaxed and had a very light hearted chatter from that point forward. She was very happy that she was able to work things out and she didn’t know what else to do but she knew that God was going to help her. She was going to ask God to make her ready for true love. She was going to pray for Creator’s will, but she was also going to tell God that deep inside she was hoping that taking a chance on Julian was also inline to God’s world. It was very important for her to win God’s approval. She loved God on many levels even though she had many hang ups with God. She tried to do the best things in her life and she was trying to bring in clarity of what steps she needed to take to move forward. She was trying to heal her heart and soul so that she could experience greater joy in her life. There must be a reason why Sam appeared when she first met Julian she wanted to find out exactly what that was. She needed to understand the spiritual signs that God was leading to her about Julian. There were no accidents or such things as coincidences. The universe was aligning synchronicities left and right regarding Julian. She had to believe that Creator was speaking to her during her dreams. She had to know that things were going to work for her greater good even though she didn’t know the details. She wanted to know more about Julian.
Kira and Jennifer listened to each other talk and before they knew it had gotten very late and Kira decided to go home. It was very difficult finding out what was going on. Things would never be the same after this conversation she was just had with Jennifer. She had her hope renewed to move forward with Julian and to uncover the mysteries surrounding herself and Julian and why God led him to her. She had to value the signs the beautiful messages from the great beyond. She strongly felt that Julian was an old soul and somehow her and Julian were connected through the great beyond. Perhaps that Julian was lonely and needed the kind of love that only Kira could provide. She really needed to be connected with Julian, but what do you do when the universe is pointing in one particular individual’s directions and you are getting strong impressions pointing towards Julian. But how do you move with the correct timing when you want everything now? Kira was starting to wonder if Julian was receiving and directions from the universe that Kira was the one? What kinds of things does Julian experience when he thinks of or is around Kira? Kira wasn’t sure she just didn’t know. She hoped that she wasn’t losing her mind and just imagining everything. She felt it was hard to interpret various thing in how things are unfolding. It was hard to be in the moment when she often felt her heart racing or when her dreams kept bringing them together. She didn’t know what else to do she was scared to uncover what was underneath the veil. She was trying to figure everything out and she lit a candle in her living room and just stared at the flame. She was watching it flicker back and forth and the glow in the room. She watch the lit bouncing around the walls and flickering in the reflections of the glass in the room. She felt calm at this moment that by the mere declaration that she was meant to pursue interest with Julian that a door opened, but was Kira and Julian ready to walk through. What if Julian wasn’t ready then what was she supposed to do? Trust God. Trust that when the time was right she will walk through. And in the mean time she was going to enjoy Julian. If it was meant to be it will meant to be. She was hoping to see it meant to be. If she could only get out of her own way. She was going to relax and do the best she could. With that she blew out the candle and retired to bed and rested. She was grateful to relax and to connect with others through dreams. She liked entering the dreamworld and exploring her environment she liked uncovering the mysteries within while she slept. She felt she had this golden ticket to connect with God during while she slept. She strongly believed that God spoke to her in her dreams. She wondered what God had to say to her tonight?
Kira knelt to pray before she went to bed. She felt the need to do such when things were very difficult going on in her life. She struggled to deal with things and it was hard to deal with things. It was very difficult. She moved through her life to make things get better and it was a challenge. She poured her heart to God. God I struggle with my life and I don’t always see what I need to do or what I need to say. I trust that you will guide me while I sleep tonight to guide me as I try to seek ways to help myself and my situation. You are all knowing, all seeing, and you know all time in a way that my small mind can not conceive. Please help me to get through the night with your shared wisdom. Please give me insights I need so I can move forward in my life.
Kira then got up from the floor and went into bed. She was ready to rest and connect with her higher power. She laid there for awhile thinking. She wasn’t sleepy. She just thought about aspects of herself that she would like to make better and improve she wanted to figure things out. She finally went to sleep. She had a hazy dream, in the smoking mists she saw two people walking towards her. She couldn’t make them out and it was very a hard time to see clearly. They slowly walked closer and closer to her. Finally through the smokiness she finally could make out who the individuals were …they were her parents who had died so long ago. Her father gently spoke to her “Kira my dear what seems to be troubling.” Kira felt a tear flow gently down her cheek. “I don’t feel whole dad. I have been feeling so miserable lately and I can’t seem to handle my life. I seek true love and so far it’s escaped me and a new guy has entered my life and the signs are appearing including Sam and I am having doubts.” Kira’s mother spoke “Kira why are you suffering so? We want you to be happy. We are in a very good place together. There’s no reason to be sad honey.” Kira said “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just can’t seem to move forward fast enough. I feel so stuck. I am bitter that you left me and I haven’t been able to accept your absence in my life.” Kira’s dad, “We have never left you, we are always with you.” Kira said “But it doesn’t feel like it, I have become afraid to live. I am afraid of losing people or that my life is over in a blink in a eye. All I have today and I feel pressured and rushed. I feel desperate and yet I don’t understand why things don’t work out for me. I am so lonely. I miss you both so much.” Kira’s arms stretched out to embrace each of them. She could feel their warm embrace her and surround in great compassion and love. “I don’t want to be alone,” Kira sobbed. Kira’s mother patted her daughter’s head “You were never alone and you aren’t alone now. You are really connected to see the Creator’s signs and the ability to recognize Creator is speaking is a great gift. I always knew you had this gift after you would tell me in great details about your dreams. They are really beautiful and hold great wisdom. Trust’s Creator’s guidance. Please just slow down. You don’t have to run from death as if this moment was your very last. Kira please stop running or else you are going to run from the very thing you are seeking ….true love.” Kira looked up into their loving faces, I don’t know how to stop running I feel like I have been running all my life and I don’t know how to slow down.” Kira’s father spoke, “Just let Julian help you to slow down. It’s okay he’s safe to let him get close to you. Let him.” Kira said “I am ready to fall.” After Kira said her parents fade and she begins to fall but gently. She is almost carefully gliding down and she felt a hand holding her and looked up and she saw it was Julian. “It’s okay Kira your safe with me. I won’t hurt you. You can trust me. Just let me.” He squeezed her hand and her initial fear melted it and all she noticed with his warm brown eyes looking deep within in her soul eyes of friendship and of love. Kira sighed deeply and with that she gently woke up. Kira laid in bed just waiting in the glow of the beautifully comforting dream. She was relaxed and she didn’t want to lose this loving dream. She liked what things are happening. She felt very good and she knew that her inner healing was the key ingredient to receiving the love you had been always seeking in her life. She needed to be comforted and she needed to relax and feel good about how things were going to unfold. It was safe to let things unfold and she was grateful. Kira thought about how her relationship had went and she didn’t recall ever letting things unfold before. She had a very hard time and she was grateful to be able to unwind. She wanted to feel good for a chance and not like life was passing her by. She was tired of rushing through life because the truth was she couldn’t outrun death. All her running accomplished was that causing her never to make any real connections with people around her. She was too afraid to make deep lasting connections to create a sense of roots. She often had thought about moving back to Milwaukee thinking that was were she was meant to be. However, ever since she returned to the home of her family in Migaw she felt a sense of home and community that she realized didn’t exist anywhere else. She was more herself here, but even while she was here she rushed and held people at arm’s length afraid to get close. She just didn’t know how to heal that innate fear and desperation. She wanted to be connected and yet she could feel she was in some sort of internal prison she had made for herself. She had no real freedom or joy as long as she lived in this self made prison. She was it’s prisoner trapped behind walls of fear and mistrust. She was good wearing a mask to the outside wall. She was capable of expressing some emotions but her true emotions she kept veiled inside her. There was the truth of who she was that lived in her dreams and then there was the reality that existed outside of herself. She tried to do the best she could but clearly she needed to set herself free. She was her harshest judge and critic and she never really allowed her self permission to be free. She wasn’t living life to the fullest but only at a fraction of who she was. Yes she had a career and friends, but these didn’t matter to her as true love was paramount to her. Her relationships all were disappointing. She would begin with them with high hopes and she thought that she would be able to finally be happy, but these men she got involved with were not deserving of her. She stayed because she was exceptionally forgiving and would put herself into harms way taking on their garbage. She soon began not to trust her instincts for every guy she had ever met that she had been attracted her hurt her deeply and disappointed her. She never understood what she was doing wrong, perhaps she rushed into relationships too quickly because of her neediest which a lot of guy’s picked up on her desperation and took advantage of that. She felt like she couldn’t trust her instincts because she never felt she experienced that true kind of love. She never found that happiness that she craved. So it scared her when the Creator began to speak to her, she was afraid she might misinterpret the signs and she didn’t want to be disappointed she didn’t want to be hurt again. Could possibly that Creator was really lead her to the one that Creator selected for her? She was hoping, but it’s hard to tell by just a couple of encounters and they weren’t even dating. They just shared a passion for the creative process and in particular writing. They by some synchronicity both wrote novels. She found that so beautiful to find someone who shared the same passion of novel writing that she had and that the project of cocreating a novel was extremely delicious experience. She could create something with someone she admired and yes she was attracted to. He did seek her out and she did enjoy being in his presence and the creation process started off great. She appreciated him for admiring her writing abilities. She wasn’t as prolific in creativity as he was, but she was happy that she saw something in her. But did he see her romantically? Well that is something hard to understand because they weren’t really dating. They weren’t out there kissing and holding hands or doing other clear romantic connections. They had a working relationship and a lot of mutual respect for each other’s creativity. They also hadn’t spent a lot of time with each other and just began to talk to each other so she didn’t really know much about him, but oh how wonderful to be seeing the signs and dreams of him. She felt connected and she wasn’t sure why? There were things she experienced in her dreams that seemed more real than reality and she didn’t know what to give more credence to some time. Sure they had a great time together and it lifted her feelings and spirit when she was in his presence. She was definitely looking forward to Monday and she wanted to get another opportunity to witness his brilliant mind in action and she wanted to express herself in new ways with a partner, something she never tried before. She was intimated by him though with his success. He created a large body of work and she felt like she was a beginner by comparison. Sure she has various creative talents in various areas, but she loved his creative genius and she thought he was a creative powerhouse. She was happy to have the opportunity to learn from him. She liked just learning to let her love flow and she was happy to learn all over what it means to be in love. A new relationship was very exciting and wonderful thing to experience. She felt like she was in love for the very first time. She felt youthful and experienced a wonderful time. She wanted to enjoy feeling love and feel the safety that Julian was giving her when she thought of him or when she was in his presence. She started to realize the problem with her other relationships that her love didn’t flow. She rushed into relationships before actually to get to know each one getting close to people who didn’t deserve her and while she was in the relationship she was too terrified that her love began to freeze. She didn’t feel this beautiful feeling called love because it would die in it’s tracks. However, she was a very committed person and she would stay with these toxic relationships believing she owed them to give her best. She should have never made such a commitment without first getting to know the guy really well to see if he is worthy of her commitment. She gave her commitment too prematurely and then felt trapped in impossible relationships often too guilty to leave. So she had an internal prison and she would imprison herself in an unhealthy relationship. No wonder she often felt like running. Felt cut off from her true emotions. She didn’t want to give her commitment too early and she didn’t know why she didn’t see this before. Strange she always felt like love was something healing and positive and what she was experiencing was more like feeling like turning her into someone’s slave…what a horrible slow death. She wasn’t living. She wanted to change that but she wasn’t sure how to undo years of mistakes? She tried to figure these things out but she didn’t know what she was supposed to do to apply them. It’s great that she discovered these inner truths but how was she going to live them? She wanted to be connected to her full heart and spirit again. She knew based on her vision that she was destined to soar in the skies and be free. She wanted to know true freedom. She wanted to soar in the air in the air with the right partner. She was tired for settling. She was tired of locking herself into hopeless relationships. She knew that she could do it but she really had to believe it. She had to love herself so much that she wanted the best for herself. She wanted to find the beautiful relationship and she wanted to be inspire to live and love. She liked the idea of a creative partner. She hoped that they could create and have a good time and it would be helpful to explore the mysterious unknown together. She was trying to be true to herself. She wanted goodness. She wanted Julian for the qualities that he exhibited and she throughout she had a lot to offer and it helped her to cheer up about the processing of getting to know Julian. And she was happy to express herself. She wanted to explore. She wanted to be connecetd and she wanted to be connected to herself and to God when she moved forward in life in unison towards the things she was trying to achieve in her life. She didn’t understand God’s timing and she didn’t know when what will happen. But she know it would happen accordingly and she absolutely had to trust God to know when things are meant to flow. She thought the problem with her previous relationships was that she went into them alone and selected people by herself. She instead wanted God to guide her. She was always a spiritual person, but it was only until recently that things were coming together as she became really focused on a strong relationship with God. She really cared to have a healthy relationship with God and she didn’t want to be blocked anymore like she was. Trying to forge through life completely alone she need God and she was starting to feel that she could rely on God’s judgement it didn’t always make sense but she knew that she could come back to God time and time again. And if she got off course she could always tap into God to correct her heading. Her relationship with God has definitely become her most powerful strength and asset in her life and she was glad that she could freely talk about God. She liked how God would move through her and help her to create and say what was really on her mind. She really appreciated that God was a constant companion even during those times when she was angry at God as long as she would talk to God things seemed to heal. She was very pleased with that. For the first time in her life she was feeling like she was in a safe and good place with a healthy environment and a very strong support network. She was making progress in her career and she was making headway into what she wanted in a relationship. She was feeling that she was in a very good place to start her day.
Kira got up and got ready for her day. She felt like doing so painting. She has a studio area in her home where she sets up all her paint supplies and easels. She wanted to paint an freeform abstract painting with various shades of pinks, purples, blues, and greens. She was wearing her her paint clothes and she had gotten her favorite music on the CD player. She got some tea to drink because when she creates she usually get very thirsty. She was all sitting on a stool and she was ready to begin. She put on some very pulsating tribal music and it helped her to create through the many stages of her work. She was able to get through her life and she was able to keep her creative spirit despite the challenges in her life. She liked to express herself through different mediums and it helped her to create. When she explored other creative mediums it fed her writing spirit. Sometimes she could express emotions that she couldn’t the same way with writing. She mixed her paints in the hues that were appealing her and she began to make circular motions across the canvas that was already set up for her to paint. She made gestural makes very quickly and she was able to play with the colors. She liked developing patterns and seeing them express themselves across the page. She was happy to take care of things and they were good for her to look at too. It helped to have the free time to play. She liked having quality time with herself and that helped her to slow down some more. She wanted to not have to struggle with life so much anymore. She realized that the word struggle off appeared in her mind and she didn’t like that she kept saying it over and over. It was a frustrating realization. She began to take her frustrations out on the painting. She swished the bristles loaded with wet paint back and forth. She didn’t care if anybody liked what she was painting. She didn’t paint for anyone else, but her. Some of the paintings adorn her home. Sometimes she gave them as gifts and she liked giving something original to people. It was the heartfeltness that she was excited about. Sometimes she needed to switch mediums to recharge her writing. She sometimes felt that she could easily get burnt out if she didn’t mix things up a bit. Challenge herself. She liked to stretch her creative muscles. She finished one painting which was still wet and she retrieved a second canvas that was already prepared by gesso. This time the music was even faster than before. And she used a much bigger brush, and would lay down colors in beautiful streaks. They just flowed into each other and covered the whole surface. Then she switched to a fan brush and began quickly flicking paint on the paint. She bounced to the music in time. She paused long enough to take sip of from her tea glass and she was happy that things went very well. She expressed herself and she was loving every minute of enjoying herself. She felt like she could paint all night. Out poured her emotions. The frustrations and grief of those she loved that were gone. The pain erupting all across in front of her. A visual record of an emotional map of her heart. She moved swiftly and without any planning. She painted on raw inspiration and expressing her locked away emotions. Moving onto a third canvas and she began the process again this time using two paint brushes loaded with pain in her hand. She held on to the palette in her other hand and just went out it with carefree abandon. She was happy to get this stuff out. She needed to pour it out let herself finally be free from the emotional prison that she felt inside her. She just found herself flying and with great ease as the creativity flowing from within her. God was moving through and was in her heart and soul and pouring out through her hands. She felt connected. After a long time she looked at her work and she felt a great peace. An almost cathartic expression of what happened. She didn’t know what else to do and it was hard to try to not struggle. And it was beautiful precious moments of quality time with herself. This is what she needed to refill her soul. She felt like she had been running on empty for awhile. Some playful time playing with paint is what helped her to cut loose. She was happy to have this creative space. Happy to have such a beautiful home. Just simply to be happy. She felt that she was walking with God through her grief. Though still a long journey to go she found healing ways to be helpful. It was wonderful to break free from all that was locked into her. She didn’t know how else to get through things and she was glad that her creativity and God were her biggest allies and strengths.
Kira was done painting for the day she cleaned up her painting area and then proceeded to make herself a really good dinner. She decided to make a chicken salad with cranraisins and mandarin oranges and bleu cheese dressing and a glass of iced tea. Which she was happy to finally have after her feverishly bout of painting. She felt good expressing herself it was very strange to deal with things like that, but it works. She wasn’t going to try to explain it anymore. She just liked creating.
Kira was tired of trying to self rescue her life. She felt that she needed God to help her, but lately she kept feeling that God kept saying to her to wait. Which frustrated her and anger her. She doesn’t know how to wait well, she just wanted to get to the point where she gets what she wants right away. But then it occurred to her that perhaps in going through the process of wait that in doing so she was actually becoming the person she was meant to be. Kira thought it was challenging to wait though realizing it was a process. She often felt like she wanted to rush the process and she didn’t know how to move through things. It was sometimes difficult for Kira to accept that God was in control. That God has his own perfect time and that she needed to surrender to it. She didn’t understand it though, she still wanted what she wanted right now, but honestly was she ready for what she desired. She had been going through a tremendous loss in her life losing Sam and the grief was still fresh. It was hard to admit how heartbroken she was. She felt tired and it was hard to go with the flow of things. Kira always liked to be in control. She liked being an independent woman going after things she wanted and kicking butt in generally everything she did. However, is that really the right thing for her to do? Kira didn’t like surrendering and losing control. It was hard to allow to let God let things happen in her life. To go slow. She often got ahead of herself and wanted to rush things. She ran through her life as if today was the last day she ever was going to have. She couldn’t trust that there was going to be a tomorrow. She would rush to get everything today she wanted in this moment as is she was gasping for air. She always felt like she lived life in great terror and panic because of it. She didn’t know what to make things to come together in her life because she was bolting to a conclusion. She struggled in her life often. She desired to move through life with peaceful grace, but she didn’t know what to do that especially when it came to her relationships. When it came to a man she didn’t know how to deal with the dynamic of a relationship. She strained and struggled to get ahead in love matters of the heart, which is ironic she thought to herself because she was able to be successful with her book “Twin Butterflies.” She can write a beautiful elaborate romance that would capture the imaginations of others but she wasn’t able to find fulfilling in relationships. It’s one thing to hear the word, but a completely different story to live it.
Kira often felt like a hypocrite she wrote about romance, but her personal life was unfilling. She writes about things she has yet to experience. Basically she wrote fantasies, not reality. She wanted to write about an authentic romantic experience, but she basically took in everything second hand from other people’s love songs, movies, and stories. Feeding upon the loving glow of other people’s lonely heart finding their one true love. She often felt like she was a kid with her nose pressed up against a candy store without no money to purchase anything. Watching other children gleefully experiencing the sugar sensational delights. She wrote what she saw through the glass, but never touching the candy in her fingertips or experiencing the tastes first hand. Seemed like she wrote about romantic echoes. She wanted to write from a place of knowing what true love felt like. She wanted to feel all the wonderful feelings from first stand. She didn’t know how that was possible. It was hard to deal with things like that. Everything was an abstraction. Sure she believed God had a plan for her romantic life, but she had yet to actually experience it first hand. She wasn’t sure what God had planned for all the losses and failed relationships she had. She didn’t know how to wait anymore for God. She started to feel like her entire life she was waiting on God. Waiting on God to produce this amazing guy and relationship. She felt it was so hard to wait for so long and never see it manifest yet. She feared that she would die without ever knowing true love. She feared dying without ever having a husband or children. She was afraid that true love that she waited for all her life was a waste of time. Sometimes she wondered if God would have her wait forever? She was afraid. She didn’t know why God was asking her to wait other that for her to heal. Kira wanted to rush the healing too. She didn’t want wait for healing, but the truth is there is no other way to heal. The idea of her healing and moving through grief though would be a powerful praise to God and would give her the opportunity to minister to other. She started to feel maybe there is a divine purpose. Maybe God wasn’t saying “No!” but instead saying “Not right now.” Later was a better answer she could accept. She started to feel that perhaps she was closer than she really thought. Maybe God has a most amazing romantic relationship in store for her, better than she could ever imagine something to give her to really write about!
Kira thought all the times in her life she didn’t feel God, but looking back during those times she realized that she was so hurt that she couldn’t feel the presence of God the way she wanted to. She felt these losses caused barriers in her heart that she believed kept her from being able to feel that the love was all around her. She felt like she someone needed to melt the barriers that blocked her from feeling love? How do you go about unblocking blocks that keep her from feeling love? She knew she liked to write a lot and that she enjoyed being creative, which helped unblock her creativitily but she wasn’t sure how she was going to be unblocked love specifically? Would those tools be able to unblock barriers to love or did she need to find other tools to unblock barriers to love? “God please show me how to unblock my barriers that keep me from experiencing the God given love that you have provided for me,” Kira said.
Kira had a hard time accepting that she was exactly where she was meant to be. She definitely wanted to use all her gifts that God has given her, but she really believed her greatest gift was her ability to love and she really wanted to be able to love other people especially her true love. She knew she had it within her, but how to love others the best the only answer she was ever consistently told was that she was meant to love herself. She spent quality time with herself very often. Sure there were other areas of self care that could improve upon who doesn’t. She needed to get better and would, self love was always this murky kind of abstract concept. She didn’t know what it looked like too much for one to love one’s self. She thought that was strange. She had a hard time being content for the way she was. She wanted to be content and accept that she was where she was supposed to be so she could give her soul the freedom to sing, dance, write, create, praise, and love.
Kira decided to go into her bedroom and she wanted to sort a box of letters she had kept in a shoe box. She looked at the rainbow colored envelopes, some with stickers, and some with glitter. She picked an envelope with a beautiful pink envelope with purple flowers and glitter. She opened it and it was from her friend Pam Chrome. She carefully unfolded a letter that was inside the envelope that was inside. It was basically a prayer from someone that was a recent friend from her. She was grateful to read the kind words.
Dear Kira,
The pow wow was greatest because you were there. I was happy to spend time with you and I gratefully benefited from our talks. You are a special person and I’m so glad we are friends. I wrote this prayer just for you.
Dear Jesus,
Please surround Kira with your pure light of the Holy Spirit now and always.
I ask that you grant her the joy that she deserves through her life.
Please protect her always in a circle of protection keeping her safe so you can lead and create miracles for her as she learns in the way you think best.
She loves you and protect her with your Angels as she discovers true love.
Let her know that being your daughter is the best thing in the world.
As long as it’s according to your will, please bless her with a mate who’s love is equal to hers bringing and connecting them only as you can.
Kira has had enough of heartache in her life and needs joy and understanding to make up for all that she has gone through up until now. Help provide her with the perseverance to withstand any challenges ahead. Help provide her wisdom to sort out her feelings.
Kira is devoted to you every day and to her Native American heritage with a pure heart.
AmenKira read the letter again and she was deeply moved. This truly was a synchronicity to find this prayer again. She was grateful to have such a wise friend like Pam and with such ability to pray with such devotion. Kira thought I need to reconnect with Pam again. Kira liked to spend a lot of times alone often she would simply doing things or silence. She would just spend a lot of times with her thoughts and her mind. She didn't feel the need to watch television there usually wasn't anything that was on that was good anyway. She just would do her creative work like writing or she would quietly reflect her thoughts. Many times she would network online and she would surf the net too. She liked connecting with people on the Internet chatting with her friends. Kira appreciated her times of solitude. Many people couldn't handle all the alone time, but Kira lived for her creative time. Creativity fed her soul. She was able to express herself better when she had privacy. She didn't know how street artists managed to draw rapid caracitures on the spot for a fee. She thought it would be so challenging. She tried to be herself maybe people would say she isolates, maybe she does. It helped her to express herself more. Sometimes she didn't know how else to be. She often felt awkward in parties. When she did book signings it was especially difficult to do while she was under such grief. Perhaps her long times alone were due to feeling like she was living in an internal prison. She didn't know how to reconcile with that part of herself. She just didn't know how to wake up someday and be something that she was not. The ideas felt strange to her. The words that she was in the right place where she needed to be kept coming back to her. She didn't know why that was so important, but it was in that important. She felt good listening to K Love and she felt the songs nourished her emotions and soul. She felt comforted. She didn't feel so alone when she listened to the songs of Praise and Worship. That God was the center of her life. She wanted to hold onto that peace all the time. She felt in this moment that she was connected. She looked up at the dream catcher hanging over the wall over her bed. She felt it was time to go to sleep. She crawled back into bed and laid down to be comforted. To be in a restful state to rest and she was eager to step into the Dreamworld again. She left the radio this time. She sometimes found that muffled her dreams a bit. She just wanted to sleep tonight and she wanted her soul to be soothed by the songs. It helped her to move through the waking state into slumber. She drifted off peacefully and she was able to rest in a way that she never thought possible. She had a night of sleep without remembered dreams. She just drifting into this haziness sleepiness that the music drowned out the images. The intense reflections. She just simply wanted to sleep. Kira woke up and felt weird. She usually does when she tries to overpower her mind to keep from dreaming. She needed to sometimes the rapid growth she was experiencing all the time in her dreams overwhelmed her by the fast pace. She doesn't sleep the way she wanted to though when she slept with music. She she overrided the dreams for a night, but often she woke up the next disconnected. She felt that she couldn't do things as effectively had she slept in silence. However, sometimes she felt like she needed the comfort of the music through the night to get through. She didn't know what else to do about things, but she tried to do the best she could. She got up and immediately went to writing God a letter and it helped her to start her day. Dear God, I have been struggling in my heart wanting an instant relationship with a man who has not expressed any romantic interest. I am not sure what to do about that it was difficult the prospect of writing with him today. I usually get instant attractions to people and I don't know what to do about these sorts of things. It was hard to deal with that trying to best that we can to connect for me. I feel so awkward around him. He's so talented and the fact he wanted to work with me on a creative level is awesome. I take that as a sincere compliment. I struggle to do the best that I can. I don't know what to do and I try to be the best person I can be. I don't know how to really get to know a man. That is hard for me because I have been so guarded all my life and I have been running through my life. I don't know how to let things unfold and wait on your time. I often feel rushed inside and that usually causes me to rush with men too. I need to change that it's very important that I wait for your perfect timing. Please help me. Kira Kira liked writing her letters to God, she wrote regularly to God. It helped her to get through the day by reaching out on a personal level to God. Her “love letters” to her God lined pages and pages of notebooks in her apartment. She was happy to have the collection of them. She was able to amass quite a number of them over the years. She never shared her Dear God letters with anybody else keeping them to herself. She wanted to be able to be real with God. She wanted God to be approachable and writing her little letters were helpful to her make communicating God more tangible. She spoke and wrote to God on a regular basis. She was always spiritual, but she got more into bringing God into her day to day life by writing to God. She felt that she could connect to God in a more profound way than usual before. She was striving to heal her fears that accumulated since it so many losses in her life. She struggled to trying to do the best thing she could, but a lot times she didn't feel like she was doing enough. She strived to help people all the time, but she didn't connect with things all the time. Sometimes she didn't go to church even though she had this great church, it made it difficult for her to go these days. She believed, but her heart wasn't into group worship. She was sad and being around happy people who celebrated God sometimes was hard for her to swallow. She felt her relationship with God was healing, but she didn't know what else to do. She strived to have a personal relationship right now and in time she knew she would be coming back to her home church. It was hard to go through all the difficult things to go through and she struggled to do that with what was going on. She tried to connect with others but her grief was such a barrier. She feared that her grief was going to become a problem when trying to connect with Julian? Kira flipped through her Bible. She found what she was looking for in Passage Isaiah 40:31:

31But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (KJV)
This was a powerful Biblical quote with Kira. She loved the imagery of the eagle wings which was simply majestic and powerful. Eagles held a very special place in Kira’s heart especially with the importance of them in her Native American culture. She realized that she needed to wait upon God. That was hard for her because Kira was often very impatient during the rush towards relationships she was striving for. She struggled with the wait time, but she realized that she could better handle her time if she was serving God during the time she waited upon God. She struggled though with this concept. She kept hearing God speak to her saying “Wait for now, wait for me.” Kira tried to remember that God was doing this because He loved her. Which sometimes she feared God and his intentions more than anything at certain times. She felt like she was terrified of God way be on the healthy dose of fear. She was sometimes afraid God would get so mad at her he strike her down at any moment with a lightning bolt. She seen some horrible and terrifying things in her life and she didn’t understand how God could allow such awful things to occur. Like abuse of a child and sexual assault. She didn’t understand why these things were occurring and she it deeply impacted her relationship with God and every man that undercurrent of fear. She struggled with things and it was hard to deal with life on under those terms. She wanted to believe she could wait for God, but for how? She feared whether she would ever be in a healthy relationship with God and man?
How can she wait? What is she supposed to do in the mean time? She was struggling with this problem all the time. The message kept coming to her to serve God while she wait. It was frustrating not to know the timeline though. She struggled with it and she didn’t know what she was supposed to do She needed to find peace while she waited. She needed to not rush God by rushing her relationships with men. Kira didn’t know how to stop or effectively control her dreams though. She didn’t know how to deal with those things. She was trying to do the best she could, but she often felt inadequate. Her heart hurt and she was very frustrated. “God how am I supposed to wait for you when I am having all these dreams and feelings rushing upon me?” Kira said outloud. Silence surrounded her. She knew she needed to find ways to sleep better, but the dreams keep coming faster and stronger. She couldn’t sleep with music on all night every night because she never got deep enough REM sleep. One night was one thing, but prolonged all night sleeping with the radio was making it difficult for her to feel fully rested in the morning. Kira didn’t know why God gave her the gift of dreams, when she had no known way of controlling them over the long term. She was often at it’s mercy. Often swept up in the language of the dreamworld. Why did God keep speaking to her in dreams? Why God speak of things that have yet to happen, yet during waking times ask her to wait on God for them? They felt like conflicting messages. To be given insights and snapshots of events, when Kira was being told not to act upon them. Yet, she was frustrated by her predictament. Kira pleaded with God. Why do you speak to me so much about things that have yet to happen and yet by the light of day ask me to wait for you? What is the purpose of discussing them to me in advance for if your main message during the day is wait. It’s like watching movies trailers for movies that don’t come for a very long time. You get all pumped up about the movie and yet have to sit around for a very long time to watch it manifest. It was a strange concept. She felt like this has been going on all her life, so why is this way of communication from God such an enigma.
Kira needed to feel that she needed to wait. She just prayed that God could also guide her how to wait. Julian was arriving to her house any minute. Kira didn’t want to mess things up by rushing things with Julian. Julian was a friend and a co-author with her and she really wanted to allow those things to grow and develop first. Kira was staring off into space daydreaming like she normally does and she heard a knock at the door. She got up from the couch and went across her home to get to the front door. She saw Julian as she opened the door and his friendly smile was there as usual. She was genuinely happy to see him. “Hi Julian. How have you been?” Julian said “I have been doing great. Really enjoyed our last brainstorming session. I brought some notes to further flesh out our ideas.” Kira said “That is great I also wrote some notes on my laptop too.” “Can I get you something you something to do drink?” Kira asked. Julian said “I will have that flavored bottled water if you have some of that again?” “Sure no problem!” Kira said. Kira went into the kitchen while Julian was sitting in the living room, pulling out his laptop with his notes on it. Kira got the beverages for the writing session for both of them. She was happy to have him there, but extremely nervous. They made small talk bantering back and forth and laughing from time to time. Kira pulled up her notes and Julian pulled up his. They spent a long time commenting and cross referencing what each other was working on. They had began to debate the finer points of where they wanted to go with their book. They talked for some time and then took a break. They sat back and just talked about themselves for awhile. Kira suddenly found herself talking about Sam, but she never planned to bring that subject up especially now. Kira said “Sam was one of kind. I thought that the Creator brought us together for a reason, but I never thought my time with him would be so short.” Julian empathically listened to Kira. Julian asked “How long did you know Sam.” Kira said, “That’s just it I only known him for only a year and it was a relevantly young friendship, but I feel like he was in my life all my life.” Julian asked, “So you were in love with him?” Kira paused carefully, “I loved him yes. He was married. I saw him as a brother, not a romantic lover that I wanted to kiss or anything like that. See I never had a brother to watch out for me like him. He was my shelter and he took care of me when we were together. Ever since I lost my family due to a car accident, I have been feeling lost and empty without any real connection. During the lowest point of my life here walks in Sam. Sam was beside my side during the time I was struggling to move forward my life. I was less afraid when Sam was around. Sam watched over me, lifted me up as I was struggling to do something better with my life. Sam was the one who encouraged me to write “Twin Butterflies.” I even acknowledged him in the beginning of the book. I doubted myself and I questioned my ability to do something creative. Sam lifted me up and believed in me so much that I could take the steps to pursue my creative dreams. I tried to do the best I could because I had Sam cheering me on. I was taking risks I never took before expressively and he was there to lift me up.” Julian looked gently at her sad teary eyes and placed his hand on her hand. “Sam was like your guardian angel, he came when you needed him them most and he got you on the creative path that the Creator wanted you to be on.” Julian said. Kira replied “It’s hard to imagine that someone as beautiful as Sam would be placed in my life so briefly, swept and radically helped me to change the course of my life. Then be ripped out my self destruction. He was a Godly man I can’t understand how he would could destroy the gift of life from God when here he was the one who praised God so much? How could he turn on God like that, he was the example of faith and belief for me. When I lost my faith I turned to him. He loved God so much, I don’t know why he would turn on God so?” Kira began to cry. Julian said “ Kira don’t lose your faith because at a weak moment Sam lost his. His fate is not your fate. However, I do believe that God brought Sam into your life because he knew one you would tell his story. In hopes that maybe through you you could help someone else who is battling the same struggles like Sam. For whatever reason, I needed to heart this story you are telling me about Sam. I once used to believe much more in God than I currently do now. I struggled with my faith at a very low point. I left my church. I left everything I believed in and I isolated I struggled to speak about God to anybody anymore where once I talked about God all the time. I have been walking through a shadow of the valley since then. Your story about Sam moves me in the deepest place of my heart a personal battle that I too have been struggling with my own faith.” Julian reached for his heart as he spoke. “I wanted to do so much for God I believed unquestionably. One day without reason I didn’t have the faith to move forward anymore. It felt like something died inside my heart. I began to feel like I was in desert and that I was dying of thirst. Parched and on the ground. I read what you said in “Twin Butterflies” about God wanting to bring people together that he has a plan for relationships. I looked upon my situation and my extreme loneliness my longing, my lost of faith, my need to be loved. When my sister directed me to your book, I was hesitant to read it. I am not the kind of guy to read romance stories typically, but the beautiful design of the artwork pulled me in.” Kira smiled, “I painted those butterflies and Sam approved and wanted them to be the cover art.” Julian said, “They reflect your soul and as I kept turning the page, I was starting to see how God moves through my life and your words gave me such faith. I love that you freely talk about God in your romance novel, that it’s not about some cheap skin flick. You write with great heart and soul. When I got done reading your novel it was if you were in my desert and you saw me and you poured a vase of living water down my throat helping me to come back to live. The strangest things have been happening ever since I read your first book.” Kira said “I was surprised that such things were even possible. I didn’t know my words would have such an impact on a male reader. It never occurred to me that someone like you would even give my first novel the time of day.” Julian said, “Why do you think I really want to do this novel with you. You speak with such kindness and compassion of God’s love that you inspire me. I wanted to create something with you. I believing again that God creates to me, but this time he is directing me to you and to work with you. I don’t think that it’s a coincidence. I don’t believe it’s a coincidence it’s a synchronicity.” Kira was moved by his words. “ I believe in synchroncities too. When I was at the Highwind bookstore I saw Sam’s spirit there.” Julian said “That’s why you must have dropped the books and took off. I was wondering why you were running away. I saw you and went after you.” Kira blushed, she felt embarrassed to know he was watching her during the whole time. Julian said, “You’re blushing Kira.” Kira got up off the couch and pulled away and walked into the kitchen and leaned her back on the counter. Julian got up walked over to her and asked “Hey what’s going on?” Kira turned her head away from. Julian maneuvered around so he could see her face better. Julian asked Kira, “Why are you moving away from me.” Kira said “Because I am trying to wait.” Julian smiled, “What are you waiting for?” Kira said, “I don’t know. I just kept getting the feeling to wait.” Julian placed his arms on her shoulders and said, “Are you waiting for me to do this?” Julian leaned into very slowly and lightly grazed his lips across her lips. Kira sunk into the moment and she was enjoying it, but she could feel herself pulling away. Julian looked puzzled. “What’s wrong?” Kira said “This is happening too fast. I only been with you three times and we’re supposed to be writing on this novel and all I can do is keep thinking about you. I can’t stop dreaming about you all the time. I am constantly having daydreams about.” Julian smiled wide “And that is such a bad thing? I have been having you mind all the time ever since we first met too. Kira something is drawing us together.” Kira said, “But I always make the mistake of going too fast. I want something real to happen between us, but I can’t control these emotions or dreams I have been having they keep leading back to you.” Julian said, “Kira you don’t have to be scared. I am not going to hurt you. I am falling in love with you and I am very attracted to you. I don’t want to leave tonight. I want to be with you.” Kira thought for awhile. “I don’t mind if you spend the night, but you are spending the night on the sofa bed and we’re not going all the way tonight okay.” Julian said, “Don’t worry I will do as you wish. I just want to be with you tonight. I want to be with you as much as I can to get to know you.”
Kira went to make some cup of tea for the both of them. And carried it out to Julian who was now sitting on the couch who she could tell was contemplating what to do with his next move. She sat down on the couch next to him with her hot cup of tea. Julian quietly picked up his cup of tea. She turned to talk to him him and he was turning at the same time and he spilled hot tea on his shirt. He began to take his shirt off. Kira noticed his physique and started to feel herself get flushed. She was totally getting turned on by this. She got up and got a towel and handed it to Julian. He reached for the towel and touched her hand. He paused and she let him touch her a little while before he took the towel. The sexual tension was very thick in the room. Kira was torn between wanting to give in to her desires or to stick to her guns and be the strong one. She didn’t feel so strong right now though. She was very much excited in getting closer to Julian in her mind. Julian must have read her thoughts he got up from where he was sitting and went around the couch to Kira. Kira could feel herself tremble. Julian stroked her hair with his hand. Kira didn’t understand what she was supposed to wait for. A voice in her mind said “Wait before you run.” Julian toook each of his hands and placed it alongside her face and came in and began to kiss her passionately. He held onto her face for dear life as he pressed his lips against her and then he slipped her the tongue. She couldn’t believe this was happening for real. She just wanted to let it happen. A part of her she could feel she started to want to run, but she didn’t want to do that. Wait kept coming to her over and over. Wait before you run. Kira stayed there and received his kiss. Deeply and passionately strong. Her hands glided across the front of his chest. Julian took her by the hand and led her back to the couch. Julian began to feel her over her shirt. Kira felt very excited and enjoyed being touch, she was afraid to get close though. Kira whispered, “I am scared.” Julian said, “I am scared too.” He traced her face with his hand. Julian said, “I am been so excited since I first laid eyes on your picture on the book. I read every page of ‘Twin Butterflies.’ I have been wanting to get close to you ever since. I can’t believe I am actually here with you now.” Kira smiled but she could feel butterflies in her stomach. Slowly Julian began kissing her again, but this time while he was unbuttoning her shirt. She felt his hands removing her shirt and toss it away. She felt the cool air on her exposed skin met suddenly by warmth of Julian’s hands has he caressed her skin. Julian then began to undo the clasp to her bra and slowly moved in over her breast. Kira sighed heavily with a deep breath. She took her hands and stroked his arms. She felt good and the feeling of flightiness was melting away. Julian completely removed her bra tossing that aside too. He laid her down on the couch and rested on top of her. She was feeling his breath on her neck, as he moved in to kiss her neck. He was having a good time. She was relaxing and was able to relax deeper and deeper. His hands massaged every part of her body driving Kira crazy. She felt like she was surrendering to his will. Julian managed to remove her pants and then removed his pants as well. He touched her intimately and proceeded remove the remainder of her clothes and his clothes. He was very excited about being able to be with her finally the way he fantasized the whole time while reading her story. She had such a gift of painting a scene and he felt like he was the one making love to the character. She gasped when he entered her and he moved rhythmically. She was very full of pleasure and she was happy about that. She was relaxed and swept up in the motions of waves of ecstasy. The back and forth of their bodies. She looked into Julian’s beautiful eyes. She felt very connected to him. She felt after so long being alone that she was connected to him. She was whispering, “Julian, Julian” through her lips. Julian said “Kira” as he stroked her hair. They got closer and closer. And they were deeper connected. She felt her emotions rise in unison with his as they gasped for air at the pinnacle. Both were breathing hard as they laid together on the couch. They didn’t know what to do so they just laid there some more. Softly talking to each other in the night. Julian said, “That wasn’t so bad now was it.” Kira said, “Usually in my dreams we start to make out, I bolt and run.” Julian said, “Then don’t run. I am not here to hurt you.” Kira said, “I am always running I don’t know how to stop.” Julian said, “As long as you don’t run I think you will be fine.” Kira said, “It’s hard to change.” Julian said “Why are you running in the first place?” Kira said, “I don’t know anymore. I started a long time ago and I just never stopped. I feel like I am having such a hard time. Afraid to connect with people. Afraid I am going to lose people. Maybe I leave them before they can leave me.” Julian said while stroking her hair, “That sounds like a lonely existence. Never sticking around a long enough to find out if there is anything real.” Kira said, “What do we have here? One minute we’re writing a novel and the next month we are all over each other in naked skin. We’re not anything thing to each other.” Kira started pulling herself up from under him, grabbing for her clothes feeling embarrassed for being so weak, but before she could start getting dressed, Julian got down on his knees before her. Julian said, “You are important to me. Yes we’re just started to get to know each other, but you are important to me. I care about how you feel. Let me help you face those feelings of wanting to run. Please let me in.” Kira said, “I don’t know how to let you in more. You are the one who has gotten closest to me. I don’t know how else to connect with you.” Kira in her mind’s eye flashed two seagulls and Sam. Kira broke down crying, balling her eyes out. Julian grabbed onto her tightly and gently started to rock her. She was shaking at the same time having such a hard time staying still. Out pouring her fears, insecurities, and her deep pain. She was having such a hard time trying to stop crying, but she couldn’t she kept pouring out her tears and hurting. She couldn’t contain the pain she was experiencing anymore. Julian said, “It’s okay Kira, it’s okay to let go.” Kira didn’t know why she was starting to open up to him, nothing about him made any sense. She didn’t understand how he could get under her skin. She was angry at herself for needing him so much. That she thought she was fine as an independent woman yet he was breaking her barriers down. One by one they were falling faster her faster. She didn’t understand why he would be able to get to her core. What made him so special that he had this ability to do these things. She didn’t know what was going on. She didn’t understand what to do. She tried to do the best that she could. She didn’t know what to do. Kira felt powerless under Julian’s control. Julian was breaking through to her blocks. He touched the deepest parts of her, he broke through all the defenses. She was powerless. She hated to feel wrong, that he was right and she was wrong. She hated to feel that everything was powerless under his control. That he was right. What if Julian was right, and she was wrong. She just couldn’t believe that as a possibility. Julian was very smooth with his words, but is it possible he was wrong. Then why are her barriers falling she felt terrible. She didn’t understand why they were falling to him. As if they were at his command. Julian held her ever tighter as she crumbled beneath his arms. She wanted to be connected and she didn’t know how to be. Things were hard for her. She felt an unspoken connection between him and her. Like they were cosmically linked. But how is that possible. How can him and her linked? She had feeling that even if she would ever disagree with him, he would still love her. He would accept her and her position and be connected to her anyway in that sweet loving way that only he can be. She didn’t know what to do and it was strange. She wanted to be connected. She wanted to be closer to him. He was right before her flesh on flesh and she was frustrated about how disconnected they were. She was upset and that made her scared. Finally, Kira said, “I don’t know how to connect with you.” Julian smiled and laughed a little, “You already are, it must feel foreign to you. I accept you Kira for who you are, you don’t have to hide with me. You don’t have to run. You are apart of me Kira I just felt that right from the start.” Kira said, “Are you sure I am connected to you?” Julian said, “Yes, you are connected to me. I am really connected with you.”
Kira was starting to feel that great wave of fear overcoming her again. She didn’t like it the fear that she could trust no one that she felt exposed. She wanted to trust and put things out there, but she tried to do things to the best of her ability, but she struggled. She did not feel safe in her skin. She felt the great need of escape overpowering her again. Julian looked into Kira’s frightened eyes and he said to her, “Where are you going right now?” Kira said, “I am not sure if this moment is real or not. I am afraid to stay here and find out. I am afraid to let this moment in because everyone dear to me dies too soon.” Kira began bawling her eyes out and crying. Julian pulled her deep into his arms. “Yes life is temporary, Kira but death is not to be feared because death is an illusion.” Kira just kept crying and crying. She could feel a lifetime of grief pouring out. She felt like he was the closest that ever happened before. She wanted to connect but when she did she panicked and would pull away. She just couldn’t seem to slow down. Right on cue Julian began to sing a soft song in a language she had never heard before while gently rocking her. He took her hands and held them pressed to himself as she sang softly and sweetly. She was very happy to hear him sing he had the most soothing voice she had ever heard. In that moment was him and her and surrounded was this lullaby. It comforted her soul and she was very grateful. She was very connected and the fear of needing to escape dissipated. Then when he was done singing there was complete silence and he continued rocking her back and forth gently. He reached for a blanket and wrapped it around her and him very quietly. She was in complete serenity as if he was some kind of magical emotional healer. He just knew what to say and do and it helped bring her calm and peace. Kira never met a guy like him with such unique gifts. He seemed to know how to meet her emotional needs. Kira didn’t want to feel dependent on him, but he was definitely most important individual to her. Kira lifted her head and kissed Julian in small quick pecks on the lips and then lingered a little longer. Julian placed his hand on the back of Kira’s hair. He was kissing back and connected and she was so much to never have the moment end. She was afraid what tomorrow would bring. In this moment he calmed her down and slowed her down by leading her by the hand. But she didn’t know what would happen during the morning light. She would have experienced by the morning light. She feel anxiety rising again. Julian without a word began to stroke her hair. She felt calm settle back in. She began to breath deeply just letting the serenity sink deeper. She didn’t understand why she needed this one particular man so much. Why what he could do for her, that no other man was capable of doing. It was hard and difficult to try to connect with. She wanted to understand the nature of his unique gifts better. Understand why it was he that was able to connect to her in a way no other man was able to do . She wasn’t used to being taken care of by a man emotionally so well. One that wanted and knew how to make her healthy. She didn’t understand how he was doing what he was doing it’s almost as if he was an empath and intune with her very private feelings. She just felt safe with him even though at first and random times she panicked. He managed to calm her right back into balance. She felt comfortable with him emotionally. Julian said to her “How about we go to bed?” Kira nodded her head. Julian got up first and extended his hand to her and held her hand while she led him to her bed. They crawled into the bed and under the covers. Julian wrapped his arm around her and they talked a little among themselves pillow talk. And Julian drifted off to sleep and Kira laid awake for a little while. She felt his warmth next to her skin and she felt that she was what she always wanted to experience, but she didn’t realize that this is what she wanted to deal with. She didn’t know what he would expect of her or do the next day. There was a lot of fear and uncertainty and she struggled to do the best she could. She tried to do the best she could, but she was uncomfortable in unknown circumstances. She didn’t know if she expected him to connect with her. She didn’t know how they would connect. She was feeling a bit baffle as to what he would expect of her next. She realized she was probably ruining a perfect moment but instead just should enjoy it. It was beautiful and he was beautiful but what was the next step. Could she wake up the next morning and face him? Could she take the next steps forward with him. Did he want to go forward with him. She didn’t understand what was going on and she tried to connect with him. She liked to do the thing she was able to do her thing. She enjoyed working with him on the novel. But did he want her as a girlfriend or something more? Was this just casual sex? Did he have a girlfriend already or was he serious about her? She knew that she felt pretty powerful connections with him in her dreams and spirit, but she didn’t know what to expect from him. She didn’t know if she could trust what would come the next day. Kira thoughts settled down as she listened to the rhythm of Julian sleeping beside her. Maybe her fears were unfounded. She settled into the comfort of her bed. She was happy to be there with someone like Julian who was special and she hoped he was going to show her how much more special they were. She was sleepy and she fell into a deep sleep.
Kira began to dream and she was in a meadow and there was someone sitting on a log. She carefully walked up to the person and saw as she got closer that it was Sam. She sat down beside Sam. She looked at the blue sky. Sam asked “How are you Kira?” Kira said, well the man of my dreams in sleeping with me my bed, and yet…” “Sam finished her sentence, “and yet you don’t feel all is well.” Kira said “Yes, how did you know? I don’t understand I got the guy right where I want him and I still feel out of sorts.” Sam said, “You found the right guy, the guy Creator lead you too, but now you need to receive Julian and Julian’s gifts, you are fighting a battle within all you have to do is just receive.” Kira couldn’t imagine that it was that simple. “You’re sure I am not supposed to pray more or do something or keep looking for another man?” Sam said, “No you have prayed enough, you done enough, you don’t need to look for another because you found the one you’re supposed to be with. He’s Creator’s gift to you.” Kira said, “But on what terms should this relationship be on? Boyfriend and girlfriend?” Sam said, “He’s you’re boyfriend and you’re his girlfriend. Trust you two are meant to be together.” “What about other women though that he might be involved with or get involved with?” Sam said, “He has no other woman in his life, and he isn’t going to search for another woman you are all that he needs all that he has ever wanted.” Kira said, “I am scared I am not going to be enough for him.” Sam said, “You are enough for him, don’t be scared of what is going to come next you are what he needs too. Because you see you are God’s gift to him. You both bring out each other’s higher good in each other. You are both created by Creator’s will.” Kira said, “I am scared Sam, I am scared of losing him like I lost you. I loved you as an artist and I fear that he as an artist I will lose him too. You are that last artist I really got closer too.” Sam said, “Artist’s aren’t suicidal Kira. They don’t have a higher death rate than other kinds of people. Artist’s are simply people.” Kira said, “ I was angry I lost you.” Sam said, “I know I lost you that day I ended things, I am sorry I took your peace of mind and serenity away from you. But Julian is the one who is meant to restore your serenity. Julian won’t hurt you, not what you have been fearing. He will not hurt you at all. He loves you so very much. He cares for you deeply and passionately even though he has yet to utter the words ‘I love you’ I know he loves you more than any man has ever loved you or will love you, including me. You don’t realize how bad Julian wants you. He thinks about you everyday and night.” Kira said, “Julian never speaks to me of his thoughts about me or utters words of love to me.” Sam said, “That’s because everything he is doing and behaving is reflecting that he loves you. Think back how much he has pursued you, reached out to you, sought you out. Kira this man is madly in love with you despite himself. You have nothing to fear from this man, he really wants you. He wants to be with you.” Kira said, “How is that possible we just met and he already is deeply in love with me?” Sam said, “You bet! He can’t wait to talk to you and connect with you. He makes time for you even though he has a very busy schedule. He will make time for you. He will honor and respect you. He is your boyfriend.” Kira said, “I find this hard to believe.” Sam said, “Believe it you are connected.” Kira said, “I am tired of losing people, I lost my parents, I lost you. I am afraid of getting close to Julian and losing him right away.” Sam said,”I don’t believe it’s Julian’s time yet. I get the message that you and Julian are meant to spend a long time til old age together.” Kira asked, “ Where did you go after you left me?” Sam said, “It’s hard to describe I was in a storm with these birds ripping me to shreds, somehow I was lifted out of that turmoil. I was healed and brought before God in heaven and I was completely restored. I was asked to help guide you through this time.” With that Kira was awaken by the sunlight and the stirring in the bed next to her. She was so deep into her dream that she woke up disoriented and vaguely remembered that Julian spent the night before. Kira felt awkward with where to go from there. They weren’t really in a deep relationship with each other and they just got physical, but she didn’t know what he wanted from her next. They still had the novel to work on and a lot of things to go over before it was printed. She was starting to feel like she got too close too fast. Her feelings to running were returning again.
Julian turned over to her side and smiled gently at her. “Morning Kira,” and he kissed her on the lips. Kira got up to go take a shower and began running the water. Julian came up beside her and asked her if he could join her. They both got into the shower and Julian pulled Kira towards him as the water ran down their skin. She trembled in his arms as the hot water poured down around them. Again his comforting peace washed over her. How does he know to do this? Kira wondered. Is it him or God moving through him? She didn’t understand why this guy in her shower with her was so special. She just felt safe with him. Felt loved and cared for. She didn’t understand what to expect next though. After some time just being in each other’s arms they finally turned off the water and got out of the shower. They proceeded to dry off and to get dressed for the day. They were quiet for awhile. They finally sat down together for breakfast. Kira finally broke silence. “Now what?” Julian said, “I am not sure, it’s never quite happened like this for me before,” as he passed the cereal box. “For me it’s been this intense spiritual experience ever since your name and book crossed my path. It’s like I have been on a quest to find out who exactly you are and what you are about. I just am surprised I was able to get to this point with you, but I never thought it was possible to be working with you so closely and to be overcome with such emotion like last night.” Kira spoke after eating her cereal, “I don’t know how to explain what happened it was just so intense. I have been feeling so insecure all my life, but for some unspoken reason I feel this great sense of serenity when I am with you. I don’t know what to call us though or what you want to come of all this?” Julian said, “Kira I want to be your boyfriend if you will have me. I want to get to know you even better. It really is important for me to be a part of your life.” Kira said remembering her dream discussion with Sam, “Yes, I want to be your girlfriend too. But I do want to get to know you better too. I want to understand what makes you so special. It’s a mystery to me how you just know how to get inside me and turn me around. Quite uncanny actually.” Julian laughed a little bit, “There’s no special magic, I am just being me. Maybe it’s the power of my love for you that is making all the difference.” Kira brightened up, he said he had love for her. Kira said, “Somehow I love you too despite the brief amount of time they were working together and getting to know together.” Kira and Julian continued eating their breakfast and they were discussing a writing schedule that would work around the schedules and so that they could be together. She was grateful to be getting the chance to be with him. They cleared the dishes together. They proceeded to go to the couch and just lazily talked to each other with Kira laying in Julian’s arms. It was still early and they didn’t need to work on the book til later in the day. Julian wanted her to come to Madison to his place so they could write there later this week. Kira liked that idea she wanted to see his home up front and personal. Julian wanted to know what was going on Kira’s mind. She laughed and expressed this sense of wonder at what brought them together. She remembered how she was gripped in such a depth of pain not that long ago, but Julian was comforting her. She didn’t feel so alone. Kira spoke about seeing Sam in her dreams that night. She wanted to know what to do now regarding Sam. She felt the dream had given her some comfort to have been able to talk to him. That she could see him and exchange words with him, but she communicated to Julian that she will never understand why things had to happen the way they do. She told Julian that she didn’t understand the purpose of meeting Sam was, only to lose him the way he did. Julian said to her that she had the beautiful gift of getting to know him while he was here. She was grateful yes to have know him, yet there was still a pain in her heart how he died. She didn’t know how to understand the mystery. Julian was that we will never know exactly what was going through his mind the night that he decided to take his life, but Kira you have the ability to love his memory for who he was and everything that he did for you. Treasure those moments. Kira began to share with Julian all the memories about Sam with Julian. She talked about the conversations they had, the things they did together. How they used to make art with each other. How what especially she was happy to laugh with Sam. She revealed to Julian that Sam was a bigger part of her life that she realized. Julian was like you will always have him as part of your life. There will come a time each day little bit by little bit where you will be able to let go of the pain and instead hold onto the good times. Kira appreciated Julian’s uncanny way to explain things to her emotionally which she did clearly identify as his greatest gift to her so far. However, Kira wanted to know what exactly does she do that benefits Julian. What is her special gift that she brings to Julian in this relationship? Could it be that Kira provides Julian unquestionable trust? Kira asked Julian, “What exactly do you see in me?” Julian chuckled, “Kira it’s you power of spirituality. It’s the way you listen to God through your dreams, it’s all over your book “Twin Butterflies.” I got the clear insights to who you were as a person by your gift of writing. You express yourself very completely and throughly. You put your very soul into your written words. The power you have is what you write. You are a gifted writer. I would love to read your words for the rest of my life.” “No one has ever said that my writing is so powerful I moved you so thoroughly. Could that really be what you fell in love with me for?” Julian said, “Kira you are very expressive you don’t understand the power of your words. That’s what hooked me in right away. You write to me through your heart and soul. Why do you think I had to write something with you. I live to read what you have to say. Your soul speaks to me.” Kira thought wow no one ever said that to her before. Kira had a hard time believing that anyone would fall in love with her by her writing. She thought she was good, but didn’t think she had a power to win a man’s heart with them. She tried to wrap her brain around it. Perhaps there was another reason why Julian needed her so much? She was hoping to try to figure that out.
Before they knew it was soon lunch time. They went for a walk outside in the neighborhood of her house. They walked holding hands it was a warm March day and she enjoyed the first signs of spring forming. They walked easily down the streets enjoying the formation of their relationship. Things were exactly what she had always wanted and she liked the promise of the new relationship in her life. She felt very happy about that. She wanted to trust that feeling and continue through their way. She was relaxed and she was able to relax. She was just being happy in the now. They returned back to her place and proceeded to make lunch and work together on the book again. Their creative juices were flowing back and forth as their creative process seemed further energized and charged. They were working on great things and working on things very quickly. Julian started typying for awhile and then Kira would take over and she would type too. They had a lot of ideas firing back and forth and they were working on the draft of their novel which they decided to leave untitled until the novel started to take shape more. They discussed possible options their main characters were possibly able to explore. They went back forth and they also worked extremely well together. It seemed that them getting closer physically also brought their creative minds together. They fired back and forth different ideas and they were working really excited to work really hard. They were riding the wave of the the creative flow. Before they knew it was night fall. They backed up their work and Julian had to get ready for the drive home. Kira was actually sad to see him go. She was interested in spending more time with him, but he had already spend two days with her. As if Julian could read her mind he said, “Don’t worry Kira I will call you soon too.” Kira laughed feeling like her thoughts were audible to him. He packed up his things to go, but before he left he planted a big wet kiss on her. “I will be seeing you soon at my house.” Julian said. Kira smiled, “I will see you soon.”
Kira was excited. She just landed herself a new boyfriend a writer to boot. It was exciting and exhilarating. She was glad. She always wanted a creative lover. She liked the idea that he appreciated her writing skills, her deep spirituality including in her dreams. Yet, she was surprised. It’s as if that he wanted and seeked her out as much as she sought him out. She didn’t know how to deal with things in light of her new situation. She tried to connect with her new partner in life and creativity. She was trying to figure out what to do with her life. In just a couple of months she experienced extreme lows and extreme highs. Both stressful in their own ways. She needed to think to process everything that was happening in her life. She didn’t know how else to face the situation. She was trying to move through the feelings that she was working at and she was trying to find meaning of everything. How she could experience extreme loss and she would experience a great joy in such a heart beat. That left her head spinning. She welcomed the night to herself. She wanted to deal with the situation, but she didn’t know how to express all the things that were going through her mind. She was working towards reaching her goals and she didn’t know what else to do. She was striving to move forward and she just didn’t know what the next step to be. She didn’t understand the mysterious plan of God. Why things fit together the way that they did. She wanted to know the deeper meaning behind things. While suffering extreme loss that a blessing could manifest. She still ached inside for losing Sam, but it was like the universe saw her great need and blessed her with a man to love her. She didn’t know what to make of it though. Julian can’t erase the trouble with dealing with loss in her life. Julian did seem to be an emotional healer, arrived in the right place and time to soothe her broken heart. For that she was eternally grateful for Julian. She was happy to be apart of Julian’s world. Kira wondered if she will ever understand the mysteries of her life, and God’s planning of everything. She worked through a lot of grief, but it’s still pretty fresh. Sometimes she felt guilty experiencing a little bit of joy in light of losing Sam. Julian was a comfort to her one that Kira will always appreciate that gift he gave her of. Kira wanted to give Julian more though. She didn’t know if she was capable of doing that considering the great loss that she experienced in her life. She was hoping that she could be connected with Julian on the deeper. She wanted to be part of Julian’s life and be God’s gift to him, but what more could she give him. Kira didn’t have the answer to that question. She didn’t know what to do and that was exciting. She was exhilarated that she had an opportunity to be connected with Julian. She felt inadequate though. She didn’t see the significance of their encounter. She tried to figure out what was going to happen next but she couldn’t she wanetd to just be connected with him again. But she wouldn’t see him until a couple of days from now. So she decided to turn in early so she could go to sleep and get up for her appointment with Chloe.
Kira went to sleep for nightly dose of dream language. She could see herself standing in a dark place where a beautiful skirt and shirt. Out pouring from her was all these beautifully colored lights flowing around and around coming from her heart. She started to see them move around her and then away from her into the darkness and she could see Julian standing across from her and he began to absorb the colored lights coming from her chest. When he began absorbing the lights of love from her Julian’s whole being began to glow bright white. She started to see what was happening. As Julian was healing her heart from her losses, her capacity to return his love grew and she was healing his whole being through her love. The power of her love appeared to be the real gift that Kira was able to give to Julian. Kira and Julian stepped closer to and closer as if to be drawn by magnets the light from his chest exploded and came towards her and she absorbed his love light which increased the intensity of her love light and back to him. They came close enough to touch and they exploded in light all around them something so majestically cosmic. The purity of both their love was awe inspiring. She wasn’t sure how it was possible that they were having such a chemical reaction none like she had ever dreamed before. It was stunning and brilliant and she was very grateful to be connected. She was happy and she was glad to be connected to him in the dreamworld too. It was as if the power of their growing love for each other was transforming them on a soul level. They kept getting higher in frequency and it looked like it would never stop. The light flashed all around the darkness and transformed their world. It was beautiful and poetic this brilliant meadow and sun light bursting it was as if it transported them to another plane of existance all together. All of a sudden a couple of children ran up to them and began to sing and dance merrily around them. It was beautiful. She was absolutely thrilled and happy and Julian looked raidiant as well. She was happy to be feeling like this is real that it was meant to be to watch magic unfold around them. Kira didn’t want to wake up from this most beautiful dream. She was exhiliarated and the feeling came with her during the day. She was happy to move through things that made it wonderful for her. She was grateful and she was connected that she was happy to understand. She wanted to know what was going on. She didn’t really understand why Julian and her were able to do the things they do. She was starting to feel yes they were indeed meant to be. She felt the spiritual connection but she didn’t understand what was the reason. Why was Julian so special?
Kira got up out of bed and went to see Chloe for their appointment. She was grateful to be in her tribally decorated office again. Kira went over the events since they had last seen each other. She talked about Highwind books and seeing Sam twice and her vision of seagulls come true. She also mentioned how she ran into Julian. She talked the two bookstores in Milwaukee how she got home and talked with Julian. How her and Julian have been working together on the new novel and how it turned romantic and he asked her to be his girlfriend and how it seemed to fuel their creativity. She mentioned dreaming and talking to Sam and how Sam indicated to her that Julian is the one Creator sent for her. However, Kira still felt that she was having a hard time receiving good blessings considering the extent of the losses in her life. She spoke about how she lost her parents during a car accident in her twenties her only real family and how that put such terror in her life of losing people and afraid to get close to other people. She was struggling with that but she didn’t know to release more grief so she experience more joy. Chloe said that because of the grief and loss in her life that she has developed trust issues. Chloe then had Kira work on a spiritual mandala and she got out this huge sheet of paper and chalk pastels. Chloe turned on some meditative music and talked with Kira as she began to draw a large circle and inside the circle she began to draw a large heart and coming from the heart was a large flower blossom coming from the heart and she made some smaller flowers around the image. As she carefully drewn her spiritual mandala she explained to Chloe that she saw that her heart was blossoming and she was discovering that she was the power of true love coming from her. That she was the maker of true love. Kira started to feel the strength of her own heart giving her safety and security as it’s warmth was filling her and nurturing. Chloe encouraged Kira to make the connection that her source of true security was coming from within that her own resource of love would give her great security. She was grateful to see her spiritual mandala form in front of her eyes. She thought the drawing was very beautiful and powerful message to her of her unique gift and her strength. She felt more grounded in the center of her being. Kira also talked about last night’s dream. She said she saw these colored lights coming from her heart to Julian and it was powerful and magical. She was grateful. She was happy to be connected to her dream especially after she dreamnt the dream she woke up and went on YouTube and the first random video she saw had a person with colored heart lights coming from their heart called You Are Love. She had a visual representation synchronicity with the vivid dream she had within her. They had colored lights coming from the heart in her dream and in the video. It was as if God was speaking to her amazing! Kira thanked Chloe for helping her to develop self trust and to help her realize the trust she has with her higher power. She was grateful for the opportunity to connect on these two basic levels. Chloe had a way of bringing out these connections it was great. She felt she just needed to surrender to God and let him lead her she really thought that would help her in dealing with Julian. She was happy and that was very great.
She to go see her other friend on the other side of town Molly Barker. She drove up in the driveway and out came Molly with arms opened wide. She was grateful for things she was happy to be able to see her. Molly talked about her life with her husband and how hard it was lately for him to be out of town. It was a challenge but Molly told Kira that she managed to get by. She was happy and things were better than ever. She tried to do the best things she can. She tried to do the best thing in life, but things aren’t always what they seem to be. She worked very hard at connecting the dots and she thought she was doing a good job. Kira talked about her book signings, her new novel and Julian. Molly was excited to hear all about Julian. Kira gushed at how they seem to get along so well and they work well creatively together. That he is so calm and friendly and they really connected. Molly seemed very happy to hear these things. Kira talked about how her grief of Sam was still fresh and resurrecting grief from losing her parents. Molly remembered how hard it was for Kira that time because Molly was there for Kira when it happened. It was very hard to deal with things she was very grateful for these things. She tried to deal with things at a very gradual step with Kira, but Kira took it very heard and Molly recalled that Kira shut down it was very hard to watch happen to her friend. Kira talked about her ongoing work with grief with Chloe the art therapist. That it was helpful and most beneficial to work through the things. She tried to do the best she could, but she didn’t know what else to do. She talked about the spiritual mandala she made with Chloe. She felt she needed a little patience with Julian. She knew that things would come together in good time. Kira told Molly that she was planning to go to Julian’s house to work on the novel together in Madison. She was grateful that she was learning to be secure with the love she had within herself and with her higher power. She tried to do the best things for her life. She didn’t know how everything was going to come together, but she felt that patience would help her to relax and mellow out. She was trying to do the best thing that she could. Kira was happy to be with Molly. Molly seemed to always watch out for Kira to watch her back. She didn’t want anything to happen to her. She was struggling to do the best she could. She was having a hard time and life was strange. Kira was happy to have a friendship in Molly for such a long time. She was becoming better at building her support system. She didn’t know how things would come together, but she was glad that she had more people to turn to now in her life than she did just a year ago. Kira thanked Molly for her company and she was grateful to have spent time with her.
Kira decided to go driving a little get out of the house. She was going to head to Madison tomorrow to see Julian’s place. She was excited to bring new things to life. Kira watched geese returning from their winter’s vacation. She saw new buds forming on the trees. She liked driving with the warmth of the sun’s rays upon her face she felt confident and free. She was feeling that no matter what happened with her and Julian she was going to be okay. But she had an even stronger sense that what Julian and Kira have started definitely was going to work out. Call it believing in herself. Call it faith. She needed to know that she was on the right path and she was happy that things were working out for her. She could never bring Sam back to life, but she found in spirit he will never leave her. She was grateful that his presence was still in her life and that God gave him the healing that he needed on the other side. She was feeling like things were starting to make sense to her. She drove for a few hours just taking in the scenery going by. She found that she could really think as she drove. She liked to go on long drives like this to clear her head. It helped her a lot and she was feeling good. She was in a good position in her life and she was going on a good motion in her life. She was trying to connect and things were getting better each time. She could feel that she was so close to success she just not to give up. She was excited about this and she wanted to connect with Julian as soon as she saw him. She was elated about the idea of working with him again. About getting closer to him. She wanted to see his bright smile and his warmth next to her. She wanted to spend hours laughing and talking. She wanted to be exhilarated in his presence. Kira finally went home and drove and went up her driveway. It was dark now and she walked up and went into the house. She felt it was empty without Julian there. She really wanted to connect with him tomorrow. Kira was happy to go to bed early to head out to Madison the next day.
Kira slept after thinking in bed excitedly for a while. She was looking forward to the new possibilities with her and Julian. After an hour she finally was able to come down from her emotional high. Kira in her dream was flying across the sky through the clouds. She could see a city below. She felt free with the wind blowing through her hair. She relaxed and she was happy to be with her higher power soaring through the sky. She felt totally liberated and powerful at the same time. She was in an all time high. Kira woke up and quickly got ready for her day. She got herself together and was ready to go. She jumped in the car and drove a couple of hours to Madison. She thought that the time actually flew quite by quite fast. She pulled up to Julian’s home and he was already outside waiting to greet her. She was happy to see him and rushed into his arms and he gave her a big bear hug. She was happy to see him again and he seemed equally excited to see her. She really wanted to get closer to him. Kira felt like she was walking on cloud when she was with him. Julian leaned in to kiss her and she could feel chills running up and down her arms. Kira started to feel the colored lights in her heart radiating towards Julian again. Her spirit is singing and dancing all around. She was singing in all of her feeling. She was exhilarated to be with him again. Julian led her into his home. She entered the living room and it had a woodsy rustic theme to it with the walls covered with all sorts of wall hangings. It felt very manly and cozy in his space. He was wearing his jean jacket and walking around and having a good time showing off everything that was special to him. Kira was happy to see what matters to him. She was relaxed. He lead her to his brown couch and proceeded to get his laptop out and they got everything together to work. They were fleshing out the details of their characters. Kira shaped the female character and Julian developed the male character. They found they wrote together very well they were able to get a lot done. They had great rapoire and they worked hard to get things done. They didn’t know what else they could do. They worked hard on everything and they were bringing a lot of things together and working on what to do. It was helpful to bring the life to a new dimension. They got into a debate early on how their characters would meet each other and find each other. Kira liked to write about characters that were unlike herself as a person so she liked the opportunity to play defiant quality to her character. She was getting through life great but then bam there was a conflict that she was trying to find and she was working out that details with Julian. When Julian quipped up his point of view. Kira could tell he liked to write characters that were mirror images of himself. They sometimes created and sparks would fly here and there. But they were very loving with each other as they ironed out the details. Several hours passed and they were interested in breaking to get something to eat. So they had a light lunch of sandwiches and soup. They sat across each other just talking and munching on their food. It was quite a sight they were like laughing schoolkids in a cafeteria during the lunch hour. She worked out things in her head and tried to do the best that she could. She was trying to relax from the intense creative sessions. Sometimes she felt nervous around him. Like she never knew what to expect from him. She tried to do the best that she could. She was working on things that she could do. Things that worked and things that didn’t. She just went with the flow of things but didn’t know how else to do things. She felt silly sometimes sitting there and talking with him. She didn’t know why she admired him so much, but she did. She admired his creative skills and she felt like she was really learning about the creative process from him. He was fun to learn from. She had a good time to work things on with Julian.
Julian was full of ideas sometimes he rapid fired his ideas so fast to Kira it was a lot to take everything he said the first time. Sometimes she would get him to repeat what he said or to rephrase what he said. Kira was much more emotional while Julian was much more logical and he was obvious a deep thinker. Kira wanted to know how things looked, the senses that were stimulated, the character development. Whereas Julian was more about the plot and intrigue. He was indeed a mystery writer and she was such a romantic. Sometimes they complemented each other and other times they clashed. But when they talked there was always heat. They just had to look each other a certain way and the fires would build. Sometimes it would become distracting the light in each other’s eyes, but they were both strong work ethic. So they got what they needed to get done before they took pleasure breaks. He had a firey personality and she was deeply emotional and watery. Which together produces a lot of steam. They made a lot of progress when they wanted to finally spend sometime alone. They were working really hard and they felt they did a good days job. Kira thought to herself that this was the best writing project she had ever worked on. They were together and she didn’t get that lonely feeling she usually gets writing all the time. She was relaxing beside Julian and just talking. Trying to catch their breath from fast time creativity. Kira and Julian had arranged in advance for Kira to spend the night at his place. She was very happy about that, but she didn’t know what else to do. She was excited. Julian got the idea to turn on some music so that they could dance. He put on a couple fast songs and they were dancing out the tension of writing for so long. They rhythmically moved to the beat of the songs and both were smiling at each other. Laughing during the whole. This time DJ Julian then decided to put on a couple of slow songs so they slowed down the pace and held each other close as they danced to the swaying of the music. It was very romantic. Then Kira asked Julian if he had a deck a cards she wanted to play cards with him. Julian was happy to play with her. He dealt her cards and they played Rummy 500. They were being silly with each other again. Just having a good time with her and watching the light in her eyes shine. Julian loved to hear Kira’s laugh. She had a very contagious laugh and it was great and brought a smile to his face. She just was comfortable around him she didn’t have to be something that she wasn’t. She started to feel her love within and it gave her the security to be with him. She was happy to be with him. She didn’t know what else to do just to be with him. Time seemed to fly by and it was late if they wanted to get up early the next day and to write some more. They retired to his bed. They were there and they had started to relax with each other. Kira was getting used to his bed. Her neck was stiff. So he decided to give her an all body massage. She was laying on her stomach with her head turned to the side and he began to work on her neck first. She felt great pain in her neck from all the writing they had done. She sighed deeply as he worked out the tension in her neck. She was able to let him get the kinks out. Methodically and carefully he worked out the soreness in her body section by section of her body. From her head down to her shoulders. From her shoulders down to her back. She worked carefully and thoroughly she wanted to relax deeper and deeper. Things felt really good. She rested on his bed. His comforter was black and red plaid. She just melted under his hands of tenderness and care. It was nice to just let him work out the tensions. He worked slowly and carefully and than seemed to be magical as he glide across her body. This put her in a very great mood. He worked on her legs and feet and then had her roll over and massaged her front too. It was very helpful to be able to relax and do what was best to help work things through. Relaxing was the key. She enjoyed being part of his life. He made her felt so welcomed in his home. She felt really relaxed and she started drifting to sleep and so he pulled out a blanket and covered her up and he crawled next beside her and draped his arm around her as they quietly went to sleep.
Kira was sleeping. Kira was dreaming she was sitting on a bench when a little girl in a white dress and dark hair ran up to her. “Mommy you got to come see.” She took the little girl by the hand and walked closer to the pond. In the pond were a couple of swans in the water. “Mommy aren’t they pretty.” Kira was happy to see the delight of her little girl. Then she saw Julian coming by and carrying a little boy in his arms who was younger. The little boy was pointing at the swan. Kira was amazingly happy, she had family her family surrounding her. She was happy to be connect and very happy to be at peace with the beauty with everything. It was a beautiful day and overhead a couple of sea gulls were flying by. The emotional healing that she always wanted to receive. The connection she longed for. The enigma of her life she could never figure out. What would make her happy and how to get it? She looked up and noticed Sam waving and smiling back at them. She had everybody she ever loved or will love with her.
Kira was woken up. With Julian looking down on her. He chuckled a little and said that she had been talking in her sleep. “You were saying hello to someone he said.” He was happy to see her smile dreamily. She felt very pretty and lovely at the moment. She reached for him and passionately kissed him. She loved that he was in her life. He just seemed to do and say the right things and she didn’t know how that was possible. It was like a dream she was having and she never wanted to wake up. Her life felt surreal at how healthy and whole it was becoming. She was happy to be connected as she was going through her life. She wanted to be happy and never wanted to let go. She wanted to feel free again the way she felt like she was flying. She wanted to talk with Sam forever and kid with him. She felt everything was connected to each other. She didn’t know why but it fit together. She was having a good time making love to Julian in the morning. The sheets being tossed around full of laughter and glee. She didn’t know what would make life feel any better. She just wanted to be connected and she was happy and that life would come together and things were happily moving along beautifully. They rolled around in bed and pressed each other’s lips to each other kissing. That was an awesome way to wake up. Just being in each other’s arms. She just rested afterwards for a bit while they lazily got out of bed. They walked to the kitchen afterwards and got to goofing around. And kidding around in the kitchen. Kira and Julian weren’t dressed and they were grabbing bagels for breakfast and having a fun time at joking around they wanted to do a lot of things that day, but they wanted to get down to writing in the book. They worked bright and early. They decided to just start writing the way they were. Sitting there taking turns working on the laptop. They were having a great session of writing out the book reaching towards the climax of their story. They worked on it harder and harder and things are going along well. They took a break to dance naked in the living room. Being silly yet again. They went back to writing after their outburst. She didn’t know how to make things work. She wanted to figure out how things will fit together. This time they disagreed on what direction to take. He gave his step by step logical points she responded with a passionate plea of where their characters should go. They both had good points, but which would be the one they would agree on. They sat their quietly for a minute. When Julian proposed a third way to sort things out. Kira was hesitant at first, but she trusted Julian’s judgment and she agreed to proceed. So with their writing on track they began to write out the story that was now pouring out of their fingertips. Each taking turns to type. She liked the way they cooperated. They worked out disagreements very well and she felt respected and cared for as she was sorting things out. She tried to sift through things a long time. However, she didn’t know how to sort them out. She wanted to get to a higher level in their creativity and she decided to propose a new direction for the next part of the book. Julian listened intently and he agreed to go along with her after hearing of her reasons. This was a very great way to work things out. Six months had gone by and it was now September and Kira and Julian had spent that time getting closer with each other and successfully finished writing their novel which they now titled Whirlwind. Julian was planning to move in with Kira in Migaw. Their agents both loved the book that they had both written and they were excited about the publishing their book. She was happy that they were bringing their lives together and that they worked so hard on their book and was grateful. That things come together the way they did. Kira was grateful that she listened to the signs from the traditions of her grandmothers. They were a strong heritage from passing down ancient wisdom from grandmother to daughter. Kira was happy about the collective wisdom that taught her to listen to her dreams and to watch the signs around her. For the Great Mystery is always speaking around you no matter where you are and all the time. Kira learned to actively listen to the Great Mystery in her life. She was happy that the connection was made and she was able to interpret and find the people she was meant to find. She didn't know how things would come together, but they did. She was glad to be lead. Kira had looked for the best and she found it. She had this special friendship with Sam, a friendship she didn't understand it's purpose. She thought because it was short and it meant nothing in her life. For in that moment she saw great beauty in Sam and in doing so she found the beauty in herself. She found that she was the writer she always wanted to be. With his support and cheering he helped he believed in her to find the best in her life. Sam nurtured Kira's writing he lifted her up out of darkness of an undiscovered voice. His faith in her set her free to be her creative self. He helped her to want to live by following her passion. She was grateful for the tragic encounter cause it spun her entire life in a new direction. She was grateful for the spinning of the synchronicity that would alter the entire course of her life. For finding the beauty in Sam helped her appreciate the beauty within. Her helped her get closer to Great Mystery. He helped her to connect with Julian and get on board for writing Whirlwind. All of these were blessings born from a great tragedy. She still wished that that Sam hadn't died the way he did. But his journey was not her journey and even in the after life Sam was still there for her rooting and connecting her to her life. She was grateful for that blessing as hard as that lesson was to learn. She also finally learned how to grieve. She learned how to move through her mourning and reach for the joy in her life. For so many years she was stuck in the grief of losing her family and that paralyzed her from living life to the fullest. Sam snapped her out of years of grief that had frozen her. She was grateful for being able to break free from that bondage. She didn't have to struggle anymore. She was happy and overjoyed to be free of being trapped in the past. Oh what a blessing that Sam has been in her life. She is so happy that Creator brought him in her life. For she would have never break free from the death that she was existing in her life. She has been awaken to new life. Now she has new hope. To live life with the freedom of soaring sea gulls with Julian. Kira thought of that as she was about to tell Julian the news that she was pregnant. She had a feeling that it was going to be a girl. She planned to name her Samantha or Sam for short. Julian was excited in more ways than ever. He got down on one knee and proposed to Kira. Kira said yes. He must have been thinking about it already because he already had a ring. He said it was his grandmother's wedding ring and he placed it on her fingers. She looked down there was a diamond and two sea gulls. She was happy to see his grandmother's wedding ring on her hand and thought it was a strange synchronicity that she would have seagulls in her ring too. Julian was a guy who simply needed love and ended up teaching Kira about love. They both felt unloved they both were very lonely people among a sea of people. They each had the key to unlocking the other's heart. They seemed to speak a heartfelt language that each intuitively understood. Kira heard his deeply logical mind and could translate it into what he needed emotionally. Julian understood and comprehended what Kira was saying emotionally and what she was not saying and provided the support she needed in kind. Julian and Kira work because the Great Mystery knew their hearts and brought them together for a divine purpose, the best matchmaker in the universe. Following Creator's perfect timing led them to each other right when they needed each other the most. Doing so enabled them to create together on many levels both through writing, through their life, and their unborn child. Creativity was the power that was moving through their life and that merged their purpose together. They were connected by something that was otherworldly that was powerful and hard to describe. This cosmic glue that keeps things together and allows the future to take care of itself. Kira would soon get married in February a year after she lost Sam. In May Kira gave birth to Samantha Sands. Whirlwind was a huge success for Kira and Julian and they would go on to write many more books together and eventually Whirlwind was later produced as an independent film. Kira and Julian became a very popular creative couple. Kira enjoyed working alongside with Julian, it made her happy. Kira and Julian would also give birth to their second child Jarod Sands. They became a very loving and close knit family. Kira and Julian's life overflowed with love with each other and into their work. Whenever anyone would read their stories or watch their movie they would have a very strong connection to the power of their life in their lives. They were grateful for every blessing they had in their life. One day Kira and Julian were walking out with their family and they were outside enjoying the weather up north. They noticed two eagles circling overhead they were grateful for everything they experienced. Kira felt her vision was transforming to a new purpose. So when she got back home she wanted to write her life story and she called it Enigma. For her life was very mysterious to her. She didn't understand when she suffered great loss what that was all about. She just wanted to be connected to peace and love. When it alluded her she didn't understand the meaning behind it. She sought out for answers when she randomly lost Sam and she discovered the deep meanings to the mysteries of life. It was when she embraced the grief of losing Sam was she able to embrace the losses that everybody faced in life and she was able to let go and let God. She found her way back to coming back to life from the dead. She awakened her passions for living and to having a fulfilling life. She was happy and she discovered that life was definitely something very important to her. She tried to work her way through her life with new purpose for her. She thought it was strange realizing her life force was brought to life only after Sam's death. Such a powerful catalyst it was though to love Sam. To let him in her life. She didn't know how else to explain. She didn't have an answer as to why his time on earth would be so short. Julian grew very loving as his capacity to love was expanded. He had a pretty good life growing up, but was highly introspective. That's why he turned to writing so he could express that part of himself. He didn't realize what a release that would be. He started his career writing about mysteries that he wanted to uncover in his stories. He got success on his own with his own books, but he didn't know what he would do about trying to find this woman to be with. He searched long and hard and he didn't know where to look. He started struggling and he was losing hope. He felt like he was losing his will to live. He began to have suicidal thoughts in despair thinking he would never find happiness, then one day his sister mentioned this author of book she was reading. “Twin Butterflies” she read: There was a time that two butterflies would grow. Each the mirror of the other. Each longing to be one with their twin flame. The one that knows everything about them. That understands completely. That intuitively knows what you need the most. For each is a part of the soul of the other. Each was made by the very essence of one. Creator knows who each twin flame is to the other, because he Created both them at the same time. Creator knows above all when each twin flame is meant to be the other. And in Creator's perfect timing brings the power of transformation in each other their lives together. Because by the mere presence of each other in the other's lives is the catalyst of greatest and divine transformation. The one brings out the best in the other and makes the other a better person. When Julian's sister read that passage, he knew what his purpose was it was to find this woman who wrote “Twin Butterflies.” Julian's direction in life was forever changed. For it was Kira's words that resonated deep within him. Her words were the ones who woke him up to who he really was. So in the end it was Kira's words who pulled Julian from the brink of suicide. That is what is very strange. Sam is the one who helped Kira when she wrote “Twin Butterflies.” It was Sam's encouragement to write the book in the first place. Kira was afraid to write. She hesitated and didn't think she could do it professionally. But it was Sam who lifted her up and was Sam who praised her on her first baby steps as an artist. Sure Kira fell, but he lifted her up. Sam said keep going you can do it. Kira would write, pouring her heart and soul about the idea of twin flames and how powerful it was to have in life. She felt that was her purpose in her life to find and be with her twin flame the one being who was made at the same time she was. Even though at the time she couldn't even imagine who that would look like or where she would find him. She was confident that things would work with Great Mystery's help. Somehow. It was strange to realize that in the end it was Sam that helped bring Kira and Julian together. Great Mystery played a powerful role in both Kira and Julian's life. Though Kira never knew the exact reason why Sam took his life she learned to accept there was some answers that she would not find here on earth. She realized that even though Great Mystery is larger than what she could possibly ever imagine, that God did have a plan for her life long before she was ever born. God had a plan for Julian too. God even has plan for Samantha and Jarod. Kira began to see the complexity and richness of the Great Mystery in her life and how it moved in and out of everybody else's life around her. Great Mystery is the ultimate Enigma indeed. This powerful force that permeates all of life. That exists all around everybody and is part of everybody. It's a strange concept indeed, because we are just individual people, but we are a small part of a greater complexity system. There was a strange thing to come together of everything that is going. Great Mystery is the biggest mystery of life that Julian would soon discover as a mystery writer. He didn't know how at his lowest point why Kira's book would cross her path. Kira didn't know why she was at her lowest point in her life that Julian would suddenly appear in her life and that was confirmed by her vision and Sam manifesting. It's perfect timing and Kira began to learn that there is a larger synchronicity than what is going on. She was trying to understand what was going on in her life, yet she needed to accept that she had to accept it. She didn't want to struggle with it anymore. She didn't want to try to fight it. It was much larger than herself. She was grateful for the losses that taught her the true meaning of life and she was grateful for the divine blessings like true love, family, creating, and writing. She was grateful for Julian. She was grateful for her Samantha and Jarod. She was grateful for her friends Jennifer and Molly. She was grateful for Chloe that helped her transform her grief and suffering. She was grateful for the mystery of life that gave her the opportunity to seek the answers she was seeking. She was helpful for all the the time in her life. She was grateful for every book that she wrote that was able to go out into the world and reach someone. Maybe her books played a synchronicity in other people's lives. She was excited that life had a way of working out even though she didn't understand why or how in the beginning. There was a beauty and grace in all of that. She was happy to be alive. She thrived on living and she was in a very good place. She had new purpose in her life and was thrilled to be sharing her life journey with Julian. Kira expressed great gratitude in her life. Gratitude for all the things that God did do in her life and all the things that God didn't do. Gratitude for the gains in her life and gratitude for the losses because there are blessings even in brokenness. Kira embraced Sam's death and learned how to truly live. Kira was connected to her life in much more ways. She spent teaching her children about the nature of the Great Mystery. She shared teachings like she did when she was young about the ways of her grandmother especially about dreams and signs. She taught them to pray with the sage, cedar, sweetgrass, and tobacco. She was able to connect with the way things are and she used her life to her children's example. She wanted them to learn to love the Great Mystery to call upon it and rely upon with all her life. She wanted to them to embrace death and loss when it came into their life so that they could be strong. She wanted to connect them with the earth and Creator. She sangs songs from her childhood to them and hoped and prayed that they would forever be connected. She wanted them to grow and prosper and find their true purpose in their lives' she wanted them to know the wonders of life. Kira and Julian wanted to instill in their children a love for life and that the power of the Creator had on their lives. She wanted them to know the story of their lives and struggles that they went through. She didn't know why this was so important but she did. She was grateful for all the wonders life would have on them. She was glad. She was connected with them all the time. She was happy that Julian and her together would convey important aspects of spirituality to them. She was glad for the blessings in her life. Julian embraced his own edge of death and was able to focus on living. He was truly grateful. Julian learned about the power of a shared dream. He found new purpose in family and in working alongside his wife. He was grateful for his sister for telling him about “Twin Butterflies” and Kira. He was grateful that when he found Kira she went along with him to work on the novel “Whirlwind.” He was grateful for his children. He was grateful that he was able to work alongside his wife in other creative endeavors. He was grateful for Samantha and Jarod. Julian was grateful. Julian was able to admit there are many things he would never know about the Great Mystery because it is larger than life, larger than she could ever imagine. In Kira and Julian's novel “Swan Song.” When there comes a time in life when two are brought together there is a powerful union of souls and minds. There is a power that only a grace of a swan can understand. There is a consciousness in the universe that hears and understands us for everything we do. We are part of this divine matrix and it is part of us and interacts with us. It's among us and around us. When we live life we go through trying to live the best life we can according to our purpose. As in the swan song out pours the measure of one's life through the beauty of their song. We are all going to die which is a given, but what will your swan song going to be? What beautiful melody story will it sing?

Wenona Gardner

1st Enrolled Native American Woman to Run for US President 2020 & 2024!